Learning to dance in the rain.

Boys are such a pain. Why can't they all just be well behaved? I do believe there are genuinely good guys out there though. One's that don't have any intention of breaking your heart and truly want what's best for you no matter what they have to do to get it for you. Only two boys have ever had the ability to break my heart. I don't pride myself on this fact. I've just kept my guard up and always bowed out of relationships when they got complicated.

The first was Andy. I met him the first day of 9th grade and I fell head over heels for him. He was a huge dork and by dork I mean the kid that wore the darth vader shirt with cargo pants and actually did his homework in class right when we got it and got very close to a perfect score on the SAT's. I remember the day when he told me he had asked Rachel out and she said yes. I was sincerely happy for him but deep down I hated her. We were really close friends and there she was dating the guy that I was madly in love with but would never admit to it. Every time I hear Teardrops on my guitar I think of him. The song fits me perfectly. I was the best friend who got to hear about the dates and tell him the perfect ways to invite her to dances. I even taught him how to tell her he loved her in french because she loved France and Europe. They are still together and it's been about five years now. He will always hold a special place in my heart as the guy who broke it. If he hadn't chosen Rachel I would be a completely different person today.

The second is Jon. He has the capability of breaking my heart but hasn't. He's my longest relationship at 7 months and counting and by far the most serious one. He may make some stupid choices and act like a five year old sometimes but that's a male trait that you just have to accept. He's already given me my birthday gifts since he won't be here for it. He gave me gone with the wind on blue ray because it's my favorite movie and a large picture of us at his graduation made of tons of tiny pictures of us. It's really nice. It's not easy for me to say the way I feel but I've learned that the best way to be is fearless. What life if there's no risk? My mom may not like the idea of me getting engaged right now but she's pushing me further and further away. It will happen. Maybe not before he leaves in January but it will happen. The fact that he figured out my ring size makes me a little nervous as to how soon. Plus he's been talking to my mom and sister a lot more recently and I'm not allowed to read those texts and he just had lunch with my dad. A little suspicious. He's been whispering with Nicole too so I'm not sure what's happening. We'll see what happens I'm not expecting anything soon though.

Right now we're going through a rough patch though. We'll get through it I have no doubt. The storm is bad but I like rain. Without rain there would be no flowers. I'm just waiting till the calendar says May. I see it as a test to see if we can really handle each other at our worst and fighting. So far so good. If he can handle my wrath then he'll manage my other moods quite well.

I just realized I have less than one month left of being a teenager! I'm about to be 20 years old. I'm starting to feel a little old.

Back to the basics

I love Christmas. Not for the superficial reasons but because of the feeling in the air. You can just feel everyone easing up for the end of the year. Walking around watching the snow fall, listening to the sweet lyrics of the joyful songs, and seeing the beautiful decorations just makes me feel like there has to be something else out there even if I doubted it before I know there is something now. Such beauty isn't possible just by chance.

I love to sit and watch snow fall especially in the country. It's so beautiful and simple not like being in a city where everything is bright and metal. I like the naturalness of it. I could live in the middle of nowhere and be perfectly fine as long as I have Jon. Christmas in the country...sounds good to me.I could do without the presents and just have a nice family dinner and I would be perfectly satisfied. I don't need anything else.

Holding tightly to your dreams of a future together When you will at last be able to say the word "forever."

Earlier as Jon was heading to Ft, Huachuca from Tucson I got a chance to talk to him for a little bit because they don't have the best service out there. I told him about the conversation I had with my mom at dinner. She asked me whether I loved him and after many distractions, topic changes, and prodding I said yes. I have known this for some time now. She was a little surprised and asked whether I actually say it to him or just write it in letters. I told her that I say it. My mother, being who she is, immediately asks if we plan on getting married anytime soon because we just had one wedding she wants to know if she needs to get ready for another one.

Of course he laughs and jokes about it and says my mom is crazy then he gets a little more serious. We start actually talking about getting married. he tells me that he does plan on marrying me he just wants to wait until he's done training and is in his job.

I'm in shock. I guess I just never thought that I would actually have this conversation with someone. Jon told me he will ask m father permission first and I made him promise not to do it when they are at the range. I don't think my dad will react badly but you never know.

I know most people will think we're stupid for thinking about this right now but when you know that the only way you're ever going to actually be with that person for longer than the holidays again is if they get stationed at the base near you (which the chances of that are slim to none) or you get married then it's not such a bad thing. It just feels surreal to think that he has planned out our future beyond just dating.

I'm happy he has though because I love him more than I could have ever expected I would have when I saw him back in 10th grade.

The good ole US Army

Yesterday I got to see Jon for the first time in 11 weeks. It was amazing. I got to see the bay where he sleeps and meet a lot of the other soldiers who he is in a platoon with. They are all really cool. Every time I was introduced to someone they were like, "Oh your the one in the photo? He talks about you all the time." It was really nice. I got to meet the girlfriends and fiancees and wives also. It was really weird to be on this end of the military now since I grew up in it. It's a totally different perspective.

Since Jon couldn't go off post we had to find things to do on post which involved eating at pizza hut and shopping at the PX. Then he got a call form his staff sergeant and we had to rush back to his bay so he could talk to his sergeants because apparently he still has dual citizenship with the Philippines even though I know I lost my dual citizenship with Germany when I turned 18. He didn't mark on his papers that he had it because he wasn't aware that he did and they were talking about giving him fraudulent enrollment discharge. In military speak they were going to kick him out for lying. It was bad. My dad is doing what he can about it but they're worried that if anything goes wrong we might have to call a congressman or even go to JAG. So not how I wanted to spend the day with him.

We did get to hang out at the bowling alley and eat dinner at the officer's club which none of them have ever done. Today he graduates ad he'll come home in two weeks for Christmas.

What my future will be like.

I've realized that I'm just not designed for school. I hate it. I know everyone says that but I honestly have no drive to have a career. Personally I just want to be a stay at home mom like my mother. If you know me then I know you're thinking"really?" It doesn't sound like me at all. I have no intention to finish school. I guess I'm just buying time. Soccer and softball are the only reason I've stayed in this long. Plus my mother. She would be devastated if I quit. She made the choice to marry my dad instead of finishing college and she doesn't want me to take that same path.

Why do we need college? Honestly I could be a gym teacher without a degree. Yeah a few teaching classes are good to have but what use is the rest of it? That's what your senior year of high school should be about. If you're going to be a doctor then yes you should be required to go to college but seriously college has just gotten out of hand.

Maybe I'm just being lazy. Maybe I'm just being stupid. Maybe I'm taking the easy way out. Either way I'm not going to end up graduating from college.

Life's lookin pretty good

21 days till Jon comes home. :)
28 days till Christmas.

37 days till Jon's gone again. :(

61 days till I'm 20 years old.

187 days till I'm 15 rows away from Kellie Pickler and Taylor Swift with my best friend.

I'm pretty content right now. All I need is some snow.

I <3 Christmas :)

I don't know how you do it

but somehow you find a way to make me feel worse about myself. More than anyone you hurt me the most. If you see that I'm enjoying something you say that it's not a good thing to be doing. Is it just to make yourself feel better because your life is crappy? Am I not allowed to have a good time because you didn't? Don't bring me down with you. The one day that is suppose to be for me you get upset about because you have to miss out on hanging out with your friends. Guess what? Your going to be able to see them this week and the week after but if it's such an imposition you don't have to come. Truthfully I don't even want you there now.

More than anyone you make me feel like crap. Does that make you feel good?

May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows.

I know my life could be much worse than it is and it's steadily getting better than what it was over the summer but I just feel like so much goes wrong. Maybe I'm causing a lot of the pain myself but just when I feel like everything is healing over it's like something opens the wound right back up. I'm trying to change but it's easier said than done. Sometimes it's like my brain and mouth aren't connected at all. I really don't know what to do anymore. The worst part is that the people who are so nice to me I treat like crap. I don't mean to. I'm just not the ideal person to get close to. I'm not emotional enough to be a good friend or girlfriend which is probably why I've ended all my past relationships with guys. I'm trying to not be so rash with this one.

I feel like a puzzle. I'm slowly picking up the pieces and putting them back together.

A sad day is coming.

My dog is completely blind. He's been running into walls, tables, doors, and even me. He doesn't know where anything is and he can't walk up and down the stairs. We have to carry him. My dad wants to put him down and my mom is leaning that direction too. I agree with them. I feel like it hurts him more to be blind and but I feel bad saying that. He's been my pet ever since I was five years old. Right now he's making moaning sounds for someone to come help him because he doesn't know where my mom is. I guess it had to happen at some point.

Respecting Yourself

Why do girls feel the need to show off their body to get a guy. I started out nice politely asking her to stop then I got demanding. Now after three months of her forcing herself onto my boyfriend and him rejecting her and coming to me instead I am done.

He has chosen me and I feel confident that it will stay that way although part of me worries that he will wake up and realize he deserves more in which I will not blame him. I want him to be happy whether that includes me or not.

Today this crazy girl continued to text him confessing her undying love for him since 2nd grade and how he should dump me and choose her. I got angry. It's a natural instinct. Then she sent him a picture of her cleavage. Nothing serious whatever. Then came the picture of her boobs and that made me a little annoyed. Why would you be so desperate to get a guy that you would do that knowing he has a girlfriend?

I told her that if she loved him she would really want him to be happy with or without him whatever he chose. Then I typed in love is patient love is kind it does not envy it does not boast it is not proud or self seeking and so forth. and told her to text him if she is that confident that he will choose her over me. I told him to answer truthfully.

I haven't heard back yet.

Same Song and Dance

I paid for my classes this semester. It wasn't that big of a deal. My mom pitched a fit when I told her it needed to be paid so I paid for it myself to get her off my back then I got yelled at for an hour about how irresponsible I am and I need to think before I act. My Dad was pretty chill though and told my mom it's my choice what I do with college and she needs to back off.

Now she's offering to pay for my books. I told her not to. She's only doing it because she feels guilty. She was angry because I took all $450 of my scholarship money (wow it's so much money) and didn't give it to them it even though they told me I could keep it. She claims she never said that but I would bet my life on it.

Even though this happened a few weeks ago I still remember what she said when I was paying for my classes. She said she hopes that I make the stupid mistake of marrying Jon soon and then I can move out and she won't have to deal with me anymore. Thanks Mom. That felt great to hear. But whatever I'm just glad soccer's started and school will soon so I don't have to be home so much. I'm going to try to focus more on school this year so my grades will improve since that's basically all my parents care about.

My Second Chance

My parents left this morning for Virginia. My dad has a business trip until friday and my mom and brother decided to join them. Lainey is away for the week in Tennessee. I have the week to myself. Nicole is spending the week at my house. Of course my parents are putting a lot of faith in me. They are trusting me to behave and I intend to do just that.

The only thing that I find really nice is the peace and quiet of the house and not having a curfew for a few days. It would be nice to not have one permanently. I'm 19 1/2 for goodness sake. I think I can determine when I should come home. I'm gonna be 20 years old and not be able to stay out past midnight without consulting my mother.

I also got to meet Jon's dad Saturday night at party at his house. It was fun except for this woman that kept asking questions and being really nosey about our relationship. She asked if we would get married before he left. We both just looked at each other and stated it was a little early to be thinking about that at the moment. We then walk out of the house towards the larger of the two fires only to see his father and the woman sitting with each other at the smaller fire and the seemed quite comfy.

I've heard stories of how it is when your parents start dating again but I have luckily never had to deal with that type of grief in my life. I have seen it in Jon's eyes though and it's not pleasant. What hurts him most is that his parents aren't even divorced and have only been separated for a short while and he's already dating again. He confronted the woman and she told him that if I had just gotten out of a marriage he wouldn't give me time. I found this quite rude considering she knows neither of us well enough to make such assumptions.

I find divorce to be terrible. I have never thought of it as an option. It is one reason why I ended my relationship with my last boyfriend. He talked to his friends like I was a car and you would never buy a car without test driving it would you? He also found divorce to be a good escape if you were having problems. If you truly loved me you wouldn't even think of divorce. You wouldn't want divorce. Our society relies too much on the easy out rather than trying to tough it out and work for something that you want.

What I would give to live in the late 1800's or early 1900's.

Most epic fail ever

I have seen every Harry Potter movie at the midnight premier except the one that was released last night. I stood in line at 8:45 and waited until they let us into the theater between 9:30 and 10. My little sister went and bought popcorn and drinks for us since we still had two hours before the movie started. 12 o'clock comes around and our movie was set to start at 12:01. The previews don't start until after 12:30. Then the film strip breaks five times, FIVE TIMES, within the previews.

We think they have finally fixed it and the classic beginning of flying through the clouds begins so the theater cheers praying nothing else happens. It's now 1 am. An hour after the movie was suppose to start. Ten minutes in we begin to be engrossed in the movie. Then the film strip melts. The lights come back up and we sit there. People are leaving and people are trying to figure out what's wrong. Eventually the general manager comes in and tells us that our movie will start in either 5, 10,15, or 20 minutes but it will start. We can get refunds in the lobby either tonight or at a later date. Another guy who is sitting behind me comes in later and informs everyone that 4 theaters have been cancelled. Two more workers come in at 1:30. By this time I have been here for almost 5 hours. They tell us to take our seats and the movie is about to begin from the beginning. It starts but the lights are still on and it's a few seconds after where it originally melted. 5 seconds in the film strip melts again so they cancel our theater. This was the most ridiculous thing I have ever experienced. They owe me a lot more than my money back.

Freshman Year

So I was thinking back on the past year and all that's happened and how much I have changed. I do regret some decisions but most I would go back and do all over again because they have made me the person I am today. Even the moment I regret I'm almost ok with happening because I've learned from it.

College isn't all it's cracked up to be either. I would rather not go if I could get a decent job without a degree but this world has come to the point where you almost need a masters to be successful now. It's ridiculous. College is a joke. Most students just party and skip class and are lucky enough to pass by pulling all nighters the night before the big exam.

I also met some great people. I got outside of my tiny circle and let myself get hurt. I worked harder than I ever have in my life during soccer and I learned that softball is definitely where I should stay because I have way more talent there. Then I met a lot of my sister's friends when I went to Florida for spring break and had so much fun at her wedding as well. Being a maid of honor is a big job on wedding day. I'm glad I had to deal with the stress rather than her though.

Of course I also lost some people. My great-grandmother and my aunt all within one month. It was nice to have Nicole to talk to though. She made sure while I was in Florida to check up on me asking how everything was and to listen when I rambled on about them. Of course other's have been lost in the process too and my heart goes out to them.

I almost went a whole year without a boyfriend like I promised Sam and Marissa I could. Now I have the best boyfriend in the world who's going into the Army and I won't get to see all next fall and next spring.

Freshman year will always be a time that I remember. The good memories will never be forgotten. Hopefully Sophomore year is just as fun.

Stupid Germs

I would do anything for the pain to go away. I've never been in so much pain before. Broken bones are nothing compared to the sore throat from hell that I've had for two weeks now and the intense pain in my side. I worked four hours yesterday but that's all my body will allow. By the end of my shift my side was bursting with pain. I was really scared I would need to go to the hospital. For those of you that don't already know I have mono and when you have it your glands swell up and your spleen and liver become very fragile. This means no heavy lifting or contact sports. After yesterday my mom is making me sleep in my brother's room so they can keep an eye on me since I normally sleep in the basement where they can't hear me. I'm also being forced to stay in the house and do nothing but watch tv.

My throat is so swollen you can see my tonsils bulging out of my neck from a few feet away. I'm taking 800 mg Ibuprofen to help with the pain but it doesn't always take away all the pain. I can only eat chicken noodle soup. Erica thought it was hilarious yesterday while we were both working cash together. I think I have an earache too. Why do I have to have the worst summer ever right now?

But Jon does come over to visit but he left for Cancun yesterday so I won't see him till Friday.

I'm scared

My mom thinks I might need to have my tonsils taken out because they've been swollen for twelve days now and aren't getting any better. They've actual gotten bigger. It's to the point where I can barely talk and I can't swallow. She's worried I won't be able to breath soon. I don't want to have surgery. This seriously is the worst sickness I have ever had. I hate mono.

I'm so tired

I hate The View.  Basically the most annoying show I have ever watched.  Elizabeth is the only one I can stand.  I feel like the other four women gang up on her sometimes.  Right now they're talking about Rihanna and Chris Brown and it's interesting to see them fight.  Whoopi is the most annoying person.  If you disagree with her she will attack you and she can interrupt you but you cannot interrupt her. 

I can't talk right now either. My tonsils are to swollen.  I can't eat anything too big either. My tonsils are so swollen they are at the same level as my cheeks.  I'm so tired as well.  I've never felt more drained.  I have to take naps in the middle of the day.  Jon has come over to hang out since I can't really go anywhere.  He left this morning again though for work and he won't get back till Thursday and Friday he leaves for Mexico for a week.  He leaves for basic training in 90 days.  This summer feels like it's going so fast already. 

I Can't Believe This.

Is that really how it's going to be? To tell you the truth I don't care anymore. You turned out to be just like people told me you would.

FINALLY!

I bought my mac and I got a free 32gb ipod touch with my name engraved in it and now I have a 16 gb up for grabs. I can't wait for my laptop :)

Yesterday I got to see Paramore and No Doubt in concert too. One of the best ever. I felt like such a dork though cuz I knew every single song both groups played except the two new songs that are going to be on paramore's next album. They were amazing though.

The wait is killing me!

The first hold of my money is released on Monday so I can't buy my mac until then and then it's going to take one to three business days to get it because I'm ordering it online with all the software and everything installed on it and when I order it I will get a free ipod touch. I'm thinkng about selling it to a friend for cheap since I already have one. Not sure who though. I don't remember any of my friends saying anything about wanting one lately. But it'll be brand new so it's a good bargain for whoever gets it. I don't know how many gigs it will be probably an eight but eiher way I'll be selling it for around $100 probably which is over $100 less than what they sell for. Anyone want an Ipod touch?

It's kinda funny...

the things I understand better now. I guess I just needed a diferent view. Even the worst of situations eventually get better. Right?

Updates

I should be getting my money soon that Mema left me. It's a pretty good amount. I'm using a piece of it to buy myself a mac. It will barely put a dent in it. I plan on putting most of it away for a few while but I'll keep some out for myself. I thought about getting a new car but the one I have is fine for now so I'll wait a few years. I really just want a laptop. To tell you the truth I'd rather not have the money. I don't need money. I'd rather live poor for my whole life and have great people around me than lots of money and people who are superficial. Those who care will always be around no matter what happens and those who leave the second it gets tough aren't worth my time.

I'm still talking to Jon but I'm not sure if it would be good for us to actually date. In September he's leaving for Ft. Huachuca, Arizona for training and then he's going to Kuwait for a while. Of course we would have to make it to that point but I'm just thinking ahead.

O yeah I broke my wrist again. This time I know what I was doing though. And Nick Hartzell showed up outiside my house at 1 in the morning drunk texting me he wanted to come over and he wanted me. He's getting really weird cuz I've never told him where I live. So weird.

One Day

everything will just fall into place. I thought it had before but now looking back I see they hadn't. Mind you I know it takes some effort but I feel some piecing falling into place over the past couple days. Sometimes you search so hard for what you want you don't realize it was in your hands the whole time.

That's just my thoughts for the day. I'd also like to point out that boys can be ridiculous. I stopped talking to Hartzell a while ago and now I can't get on facebook without him messaging me something along the lines of "hey baby girl". Sorry to break to him but I'm not his baby girl. I feel bad that he thinks I still like him. Too bad I'm taken now. That's what you get when you wait too long. You should never waste time with someone you care about, they may not be waiting for you when you get back.

Darkness

Lately I've been in a huge slump. It's probably the worst I've ever felt. So many things have gone wrong lately and trying to handle them all at once has become chaos. I know what I should be focusing on and what should be important but my wants don't mirror that. I wish I knew what people were thinking. That's what always stops me. I don't know how someone will react or if it's what they really want. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I don't know where it is. I don't know how to get it back.

On another note it's been a year since I've been in a relationship (well to get technical it will be a year May 31). Tonight I'm going to the movies with Jon who I dated in high school and we hung out back in January. Yesterday Nick asked me out too but I had to work. I probably would have said no anyways. If he wants a second chance he'll have to work a lot harder. Plus I have friends who don't think very highly of him so I wouldn't want to upset them by going out with him. Boys aren't worth ruining a friendship no matter who they are.

God must hate me.

My aunt passed away yesterday. What's next? What else am I going to lose? I don't know what to do anymore. No matter what I do something always goes wrong. Life sucks.

A few bumps along the way but we all made it.

Yesterday was my older sister's wedding in Florida. I just got back today. I was the Maid of honor and let me tell you that has got to be the most stressful thing ever. I had to make sure everything was going according to plan and if it wasn't I kept it a secret from Tori until it was fixed. We woke up at six in the morning and when our cousin Elizabeth arrived at the house a little after seven thirty we took off for the garden center where the reception was going to be. About five minutes down the road we realized we'd forgotten all the linens for the tables. Once at the garden center we start putting table cloths on and setting up the cakes.

Now we leave for the chuch which is five minutes down the road and my parents stay and wait for the boys to show up and the chairs which are late. Once at the church we start doing hair. All the bridesmaids got done and the boys arted arriving and Craig (the groom) tells me that the caterer never showed up. It is now 12:30 and she was suppose to be there at 11:30. Tori tells me and Elizabeth to go to the garden center to see whats happening. Now is when it got real fun. We get there and there is suppose to be one fish in each vase. We don't see any fish. I start examing the first vase. The fish is on the bottom. After inspecting all 14 we find 4 are dead. The guys did not let them adjust to the water. I call Craig who tells his mpom, Pam, who heads to the fish store and ends up buying 100 more fish. By the time she gets back only 4 of the original 14 are alive.

It's 1:30 now and the ceremony starts at 3. The DJ has showed up but the caterer has still not arrived. Elizabeth and I have to leave because pictures were suppose to start at 1 and we are not dressed and Tori can't get dressed without us. We show up and tell everyone that our cover story is that we were waiting for someone to show up so the place wasn't unlocked and empty. Pam ends up arriving in the middle of pictures which was fine because she wasn't in them. It was just nerve racking.

The ceremony starts and the church is packed. Everything goes well. Amazingly I did not trip. We take family pictures after in the church and bridal party pictures outside the reception. They are going to look amazing. The fish are all alive once we walk in and then we eat and talk and just relax for a little. Then the first dances start. They were wonderful. After some fun dancing it's time to throw the boucquet. All the girls are standing there. I'm in the front and I'm thinking Tori's going to chuck it. She throws it like three feet behind her and I run forward with a couple of girls and use my amazing outfield skills to catch it. Everyone cheers. Then Gio catches the garder. From my past experiences you tke a picture of those two and you're done. The DJ had me sit in a chair and Gio put the garder on my leg. My Dad was right in fron taking pictures. We got some good pictures though. After the reception everyone told me that my Granny was telling everyone how me and Gio were flirting and hanging all over each other at the rehearsal dinner the night before which is a load of bull because I was with Michael most of the night. Apparently me and Gio make a cute couple though. His mom told me to wait to get married till he gets a good job.

Haha over all it was a great time. I'm glad it's over with though. Weddings are beautiful but just as stressful.

I look like a lobster

I got sunburn at the beach the other day. I never get sunburn. I'm pretty angry at myself for letting this happen because I'm wearinga strapless dress saturday and it wouldn't be too bad except it's my sister's wedding and I'm the maid of honor.

Other than that I'm pretty much having a good time down here. I have found out a lot though. Now that I'm 19 they feel I'm allowed to know all our families secrets. I'll tell you the whole soap opera later when I have more time. I'm doing some wedding errands right now. I'm going to get my nails done tomorrow then rehearsal starts at 5 at the church then the dinner is a peg leg pete's on the beach when we get done. Saturday morning we have to be at the garden center at 8am to sat up then we start hair at 10 and pictures start around 130. The wedding will begin at 3. After a limo will take the bridal party and groomsmen to the reception where I will first dance with Matt then Gio still has one dance requested and Michael will most likely steal the rest. Busy busy busy.

I Can Tell I Don't Belong Anymore

I'm a terrible friend. Probably one of the worst. I have my good moments but as a whole I'm horrible. I guess one reason is because I'm not a planner so I don't ask people to hang out. I feel like I'm bugging people too if I ask. That's why I don't start a text conversation with people because I don't want to bother them. If you text me I don't mind. I enjoy it actually. I want to talk especially this week because I'm not really doing much. I want to talk. I don't really care what you text me about just talk to me. It may seem like my attitude comes off as being a jerk or bitch but in reality I'm thinking something completely different. I don't like to hurt people. Can't change the past though. If I could I would without a second thought.

And I don't think I'm playing indoor next session. Everytime I play I either can't breath or like last game my chest had this pounding pain. I'm still leaning towards playing though. I'm not sure if I'll be able to play soccer for harford in the fall either due to grades and credits. I would hate for things to work out that way so I'm really trying hard to be able to. We'll see what happens over the summer though.

After Saying Goodbye

I have met the funniest people in the world. Vivien is a riot. I hope I have her spirit when I get older. When I'm their age I hope me and my friends are just as funny. they play off of eachother. She is just cracking me up along with Mo and Rita. They are my favorite people. Finally I've met some decent people who are related to me.

Oh my gosh Craig's grandma is my best friend now. Her chicken and dumplings are the second best I have ever tasted next to Mema's.

I went to Seville last night too. We spent most of the night int he piano bar with Tori, Craig, Michael, Matt, and Kristie. After Matt and Kristie left the four of us went to the boom boom room which is the club area with the dance floor. We were on the balcony and Michael leans down (the musics so loud and he's insanely tall) and asks me if I want to dance. I say yes so the four of us head to the floor and he leaves to get another drinks. Craig starts backing up on me and then I feel someone grab me and I look around and see Michael pulling me towards him. So I danced with him till about 1:30. I smelled my clothes this morning and they were covered with the smell of smoke and a little beer from Michael spilling it on my back while dancing. His hands were up and it tipped over onto me. Glad my parents weren't up when I got home. He kept telling me the reception at the wedding was going to be awesome. I'm sure it will be. I might like him. I'm not sure yet. If he stopped smoking I'd like him a whole lot more. We'll see what happens over the next week. He said he was going to quit. I've heard that one before.

Emptiness

I walked into the house and it was so quiet. It's the first time I haven't heard that distinct "Heeeyyy!!" I can still hear it perfecly. I still have the vision of her saying it for the last time over spring break. I miss it. Her chair is empty and the tv's volume is low. There's no wonderful smell of whatever she has been cooking all day throughout the house. It's empty. It hit me for the first time that she was gone. I know Friday I'm going to fall apart. The last time I saw her I told her I loved her and gave her the usual hug. She told me the same and I told her I'd see her in a month when I came down for the wedding.

We were looking around the house and Grandma told us that whatever we wanted we could have at the end of the week she's just not ready to part with any of it yet. I found a ring and a smaller one of her rooster figurines that I want. Those are the only two things I will take. I found her wedding rings. They fit my finger perfectly. She was 93 and perfectly happy with her life and that's why every tear that I have and will shed are out of joy for her.

Florida will never be the same.

Bittersweet

She left us around 2 am. I'm not sad. I didn't cry. I'm actually happy for her. She's much better off. The part that hurts right now is I feel like she's not the only one I've lost. Maybe the bridge is burned and can't be rebuilt. We'll have to wait and see.

Last home game

I got my first bloody nose today. During warm up for softball I was pitching wiffle balls to Sarah Morrill who thinks it's hilarious when they hit me. I keep telling her just don't hit me in the face and I'll be good. And guess what happens next. She line drives one of the larger ones right at my face. I don't remeber actually getting hit I just remember being on my knees facing the opposite direction with my head on the ground. I thought my lip was what got the full blow so I kept touching my lip checking it and my eyes were watering and everyone was around me going oh my god are you ok? I started giggling and going yeah yeah I'm good. Finally I stood up when I was sure there was no blood and as soon as I did they go oh my god Cortney your nose is bleeding! So I touch my batting glove to my nose not thinking and now there's blood on them. Kim had to give me gauze because both nostrils were dripping blood. Luckly none got on the uniform. My nose feels congested now and it's sore. I can't touch or move it without pain. Hopefully it doesn't bruise. My lip is a little swollen and my nose is too so I hope they like the way I look at work tonight. I debated whether to call out with a head injury but I already can't come in sunday. That's what they get for making me close all weekend, jerks. So yeah I'll tell you if I get aa nice bruised nose for my sister's wedding. She'll love that.

Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life.

Every summer since I came to America I've spent at least a week in Florida. As the years went on we gradually spent less time. We always satayed with Mema and Granddaddy. I remember when he died a part of her did too. Then her daughter passed a few years ago. That was a little rougher. Now she's spending nights in the hospital at the age of 93 and may not live to see my sister walk down the aisle. She's been there since Sunday night after being brought by an ambulance with a heart rate of 20. They wanted to give her a pace maker but have found out that would kill her immediatly. She doesn't want life support. She wants to spend her last days at home and with people she loves. Grandma is also in the hospital as well with multiple blood clots in her legs from the cancer. She will do anything to stay alive. She wants to be the voice for Mema when she is no longer of sound mind. The nurse asked my mom if she would be when she came down because my mom will do what Mema wants whereas Grandma will do whatever it takes to keep her alive, conscious or not.

It'll be the hardest thing for her to tell them not to help her. You're natural instinct is to keep someone you love alive. In one hand I'm sad for the future without her. On the other I'm so happy for her that she lived a long loving life and she will soon be in a better place. My sister dreamed Mema died on her wedding day. She's bringing a picture that I took of her in the wedding dress to her to give her hope and something to aim for. They think she only has a few weeks left if she's lucky. The hardest part is letting go. She won't yet but I know I need to start to. I may not be able to attend her funeral if it happens during this semester. I really hope she can hold on. She has the strength and the will. I've seen it in her eyes but I know her time is coming and she will have to let go.

Lost in my thoughts

I think myself into anger. I imagine what I would say to someone when they tick me off and I think about what their response would be back and I hold this whole conversation in my head and eventually it shows on my face and my body language that I'm upset. In the end though that person never did anything except one little thing but I'm more angry about the conversation that might happen if I was confronted. This conversation in my head has me thinking though. Every now and then in life you have a fork in the road and you must choose a path. Normally I would go right but I'm actually thinking about the left this time. It has just as good of a path as the right does. They both have pros and cons. Both equally appealing for different reasons. The problem is I'm used to the right. I know it by heart and there will be no surprises. The left will be totally new and different. I'm 50/50 either way right now which is difficult for me to think that I would even consider not going right.

I'm more confused than ever now.

Girls are stupid

I feel like I tried to get Nick Hartzell out of my life by not talking to him anymore and somehow he keeps finding a way back in. Lauren, captain of my softball, seems to be his map. She knows what happened between us and she thinks he's an ass but yet still tries to get me to talk to him again. Today she tells me that if I ever wanted to date him he wouldn't cheat on me. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!!! I don't ever bring him up mainly because he doesn't deserve the time to even think about him. I wasn't talking about boys. I wasn't talking about lacrosse. I wasn't talking about chemistry. The three things that would trigger the thought were never mentioned. Not only does she say it though, she says it so the whole team can hear it. Awesome Lauren, awesome. So I ask, "how do you know this?" She says that she asked him if he would ever cheat on a girl and he said no, not if she was worth it. I asked her if she asked specifically about me and she says no. I think about this for a second turn to her and go, "how do you know I would be worth it? Maybe he still would because I def don't trust him at all to keep his word. If he could text any other time besides when he's drunk and wants to hook up then maybe I would feel differently but for now I'm done with him." She defends him, (DEFENDS HIM!) and says that I probably would be worth it and that he says he was having a bad month and I should give him a second chance. I refuse to do that because he lost his shot. Apparently I wasn't worth it then what would make it different now. I have seen no change in him and I still hear the same stories about him. Yeah maybe a part of me still likes him every time I see him but then I remember that there are guys out there that are so much better and I'd rather be single than desprerate enough to date an idiot who would get a drunk at a party and hook up with other girls.

At the moment I'm not really attracted to anyone. Personally I don't think I'm capable of feeling love though. Watching you (you know who you are) jump around all week is making me feel exhausted. I give you that look when you say love because it's a powerful word and you almost say it with such ease and no fear whereas I will always have fear with that word. I admire you for that. The only reason I didn't say this to your face is because that would be showing good emotions which is difficult for me. You'll have to excuse me for that. See I'm used to people leaving every two years and I learned not to become attached. If I do then I'll only be upset when they leave or I do. You always say I'm negative and that's because it's easier for me to do that than show that I enjoy or like something. I act like I don't really care about indoor but deep down I really do. I guess I'm more afraid that if I try i'll fail and see that I really do stink at soccer as much as I think I do and I'm more content with knowing I wasn't really doing my best and that maybe there's more potential. It's stupid and you can yell at me later for it and kick a soccer ball at me monday. My biggest fear is that someone is going to call me out on it one day. That someone will see that I'm lying and push an inch further till I crack.

Who Am I?

I don't know. I know who I want to be and I know who I'm suppose to be but I have no clue who I am. I feel like I've never been myself. I take on other people's traits when I'm around them and make them my own. That's may be because I know if I act like them I'll be accepted by them. Rejection is not something I easily handle. As much as I hate to admit it I did get teased all through school so maybe that's why half way through high school I realized that if I started acting like those around me then I wouldn't get made fun of as much. So most of the time I just nod my head and agree with what people are saying so I don't have to argue with them about my side.

I don't feel like I fit any of the many steroetypes that exist though. I don't stick out in any area of life. I'd like to think I'm defined a certain way but maybe that's just my perspective. Maybe I have a twisted perspective of myself I don't know.

This is the first spring in a while that I haven't had a boyfriend. Usually by now I've been dating someone for a few months. I see this as a good thing. I enjoy having a boyfriend, don't get me wrong, I just think it's good that I have time for other things. I'm not ready to be married so what's the point in dating unless I want to get married? I need to learn how to define myself first as well before I can be with someone else.

I don't want to settle either. I can look back at my relationships and see that there were things that really bothered me in the guy but I let it slide because I wanted a boyfriend. Sadly there's still a piece of me that still wishes I hadn't broken up with Paul. I remember the night I broke up with him perfectly. He was home from college for the weekend like he did every weekend even though he went to school in Tennessee. I was feeling sufficated by him and had decided right before he came to get me that I would break up with him that night. He picked me up in his '65 mustang and gave me a tshirt from his school and a teddy bear that are still in my room. We drove to his house and sat on the couch watching tv with his parents. They were talking about plans for the next week. They handed me a key to their house and said I could come over whenever if I didn't want to be at home. I felt horrible taking it but politely said thank you and smiled. After about an hour with his parents we went back to his room and layed in his bed watching a movie or something while ate pizza. I was so preoccupied about what I was going to say to him when he drove me back home. I probably had such a blank stare that night. About 11:30 he drove me back home. When we got to my porch he went to kiss me and I looked down. "I can't do this anymore." He stopped. "What?" "I feel overwhelmed." "It's ok you'll get through it. I'm here for you." He didn't understand that I meant I couldn't be in the relationship anymore. We sat on my steps and he tried to hold me as the tears rolled down my face. As much as I couldn't be with him anymore I still loved him deep down but I knew it was best for us to not be together anymore. He told me we could work it out. I told I didn't want to. He threw up in my yard at that point. I regretted telling him to eat that pizza. He finally made eye contact with me for the first time since we gotten to my porch. With tear filled eyes he said, "I love you. I always will." I watched him drive off and sat on my porch for another hour crying and thinking.

Two days later he texted me telling me that I needed to check my mailbox. He wrote me a two page letter saying he wants to work things out and he loves me and forever will no matter what. Only two other people have ever read that letter. Part of me wishes I hadn't broken up with him because I still have feelings for him. You never forget your first love. I know that had I stayed with him though I would be married and living in Tennessee. He had plans to propose that Chirstmas. I don't know what I would have said. I was only a senior and he was a freshman in college. Had I not broken up with him when I did I wouldn't be who I am now.

The one thing I learned is to not settle. That's what I've always done. If I'm going to date someone now though it's going to be someone who I truly have feelings for. No one should ever settle for something less than that. I'm only 19. If I live a full life I still have 60+ years to go. I'm not in a rush. I don't want to look back and think I went too fast and wish I had spent more time with friends like when I was dating Paul. Boys are not a priority to me. I only make someone a priority when they make me one as well. I'll wait for the guy who won't only text me when he's drunk, let's me have girl time, and actually has a personality.

A little different.

I think I want to get a tattoo. I know random right? Actually Erica and I were talking about it last night. She wants one on her foot and I told her we should go get ours done together. When I tell you where I know exactly what you're going to think because it's exactly what Erica, Sara, and Sam said. I would like to have it on my lower back. Yeah I know, tramp stamp. It would be small and not very elaborate. Probably just a hibiscus flower.

It's just something I was thinking about. I'll sit on it for a little and listen to other people's opinions on the matter then make my own decision. Doing something that drastic seems crazy to me. Putting something permanent on my body scares me a little.

If you have any better ideas tell me. I don' want to get a lame tattoo if I do get one. I won't be getting it for a while though if I do.

Haha and I love closing with Erica because we always talk about fun stuff. Now she knows something that absolutely no one else knows about me except one person. Lucky her lol. She wants to use it against me in our next game of never have I ever.

The Glass is Always Half Full

So I was laying on the hood of my car with my radio playing Rascal Flatts and Taylor Swift in the background while sitting in the parking lot before softball practice. Cherish was in her 'stang in front of me laughing. It was so gorgeous I just wanted to relax because it seems like I never get to do that anymore. I'm always stressed about something whether it's work, school, sports, or family. Something is always on my mind.

Sarah Morrill pulled up next to me and told me to climb on my roof and she did the same. It would have made a great photo. We were just chilling singing along with Taylor Swift.

I eventually talked our captain into taken a nice scenic run while up there. Running helps me think. She started telling me how she would love to do that and I toldher how that would benefit our team so much even though we don't really need to run that much in softball. She told me that if i could convince the team to run then we would. She wished me luck because people like Jourdan and Katie pitch a fit even when we run less than a lap around the field. We ended up running around the first softball field and back.

Between sitting on my car listening to country and taking a nice run, I did a lot of thinking. Not about anything specific just about the future and about my attitude towards things and about people. I worry way too much and I don't take charge enough. I need to do things for me not because someone else wants me to or because it'll make someone else happy. I mean not that I shouldn't try to please people but I don't think I make decisions based on myself a lot. I'm always worried that my choice will hurt someone else or I'll screw up. I act too much like a child as well. I need to grow up and deal with things. Not everythings easy and things get messy but that's life and it's not going to turn out the way I want. It's not a disney fairytale.

I need to focus more on what's good and not so much on how everything is falling apart. I have so many good things happening and I don't even acknowledge them because I'm too focused on what went wrong. So yeah I sat out two softball games. Two sophomores played in my spot. When I'm a sophomore I don't want a freshman playing before me unless she's amazing. And I'm getting payed $350 so what am I complaining about. All I can do it catch balls and swing my bat I can't control the line up.

From now on no more negative nelly.

HAHAHA!

My mom thinks I'm prego.
Wow. I find that really amusing.
(FYI I'm not)

Zzzzz...

I'm so crazy tired right now. After rushing out the door this morning because someone doesn't know how to wake up on time *cough* Becca *cough* I slept all three hours to my softball game and back in New Jersey. It was awesome. We won the game I played in too. I touched the ball once because Sarah was striking out all their batters, nothing was coming to me, and he wouldn't let me hit. Oh well I'll just have to work on my batting so I don't need to be like a lame pitcher and have a DH.



I'm trying to finish my homework for my English conference tomorrow but am finding it super difficult to stay awake. My eyelids are so heavy right now. I feel like I'm forgetting to do something for my education class too but oh well. Hopefully it will come to me later. I'm really behind on my homework though. I've been majorly slacking this semester and I need to get my act together. My to-do list is so long right now. I've just let everything pile up and now I have to deal with it.



My life would be so much easier if I didn't have to fight with my mom all the time. I guess that's mostly my fault though. If I didn't drink I wouldn't have that problem. I could stop yes, but I think part of me only enjoys it because it annoys her. Terrible, I know.



Something's wrong with my breathing too. I can tell my lungs won't fill up. It's really bothering me when I go to run or when I wake up from sleeping and I go to take a deep breath and nothing's happening. I woke up on the bus and had to sit up because my lungs felt empty. That might have had something to do with my dream as well though. Hopefully I can breath better by tomorrow.

Last Night

I'm not sure what was wrong with me. Normally I just don't get angry or frustrated I just hold in the emotions until I vent it all out to someone but last night something in my head just snapped. I don't even have an excuse for it. Every thing that has been bugging me for months seemed to catch up and the smallest little moment set me off. By the end of the night my body was ready to shut down.

Mentally I was done. I've never thought so negative in my life. I wanted to quit. Not just work, everything. I wanted to lay down and never get up. Usually I always have a little spark of hope and positive thoughts to keep me upbeat but not last night. After I clocked out i was talking to Nicole and Shanade about my thoughts. I layed on the floor and evetually forced myself to go to my car.

I'm almost embarassed to admit that this happened to me. I'm stupid and selfish for letting that set me off too. It was so rude of me. That was seriously the worst attitude I have ever had. Normally those things just brush off but this one just got me going. I feel terrible about it now. I was a bitch.

I didn't snap out of it till half way through the first softball game. I have De to thank for that. I'm glad he showed me how stupid I was being. I can't believe I would be so backstabbing. But it wasn't just that, it was everything. I wanted to just redo my whole life. I couldn't take it anymore. All night I was constantly trying to surpress the thoughts but I couldn't. I knew the consequences of doing it would not be worth it. I had other people to think of first.

I'm not trying to whine, just simply explaining my actions although there is no excuse for the way I acted. It was irrational and childish. I'm really upset with myself more than anything now. Thankfully my frustration is gone and my anger subsided. I have to try to not bottle up my emotions so much anymore if this is how it's going to effect me. It's more dangerous than I thought.

Back to school

I hate flying by myself. Never do it. It's the most boring thing in the world. But overall I had a great time in Florida after a little bump in the road. The only bad part was Craig getting in a car accident and needing six stitches in his head. He ended up sleeping at Tori's house the last three nights. And his truck is totalled so he's got to drive around his grandma's van now. Haha. Awesome.

My mom thinks I'm dating one of the guys I met down there which I think is hilarious because we would never go out with eachother even though he is a really cool guy and we had some good moments while I was down there. But then again she apparently knows things about me that she can't tell my 14 year old sister because she's too young. Hmmm...I really want to know what I've done(or what she thinks I've done) that is that terrible. I'm really intrigued about this.

Well anyways homework still needs to get done. Tomorrow it's back to school and softball and teaching and work. Spring break is such a teaser. It gets you ready for summer and then you have to go back to school for two more months. Can't wait for May though. Trip two to Florida. Should be fun because now I know a lot more people and they already have a party lined up when I come down. A pre-wedding party. Don't think I'll be there or at least not drinking with the rest of them.

Homework? On Spring Break? What the heck?

I'm spending the day with my Grandma and my great grandma who I call Mema. Grandma was suppose to pick me up at 9 but I got a call around 9:30 with her apologizing for being late. She recieved a call from Johns Hopkins telling her that her cancer was too far along and had spread too far that there was no point in operating. So she calls my mom tells her the news and come over to get me. When I get to Mema's house Grandma shows me the whole routine they go through every morning with Mema. They have to wigh her, check her blood sugar levels, and blood pressure. After that she recieves all of her morning pills.

Mema is losing her hearing and her sight. She can barely see anything. It's hard for me to talk to her because I mumble so I have to talk so much louder than normal so she can hear me. Grandma left the room for a few minutes and Mema took the moment to tell me that she was afraid. I was expecting her to tell me that she was scared of dying or something of that level. She's scared for her daughter. Mema said she doesn't like to watch Grandma go through this and she doesn't know what's going to happen to her now that she can't get the operation. All I could do was sit there and look at her. She was looking at the floor. Mema's 93. She's outlived her husband and her other daughter. I don't know what will happen if she outlives the other one.

She asked me about any boys in my life. I told her I broke up with the last one and she responded with a smile. "Good for you. You're young don't rush into anything. There will always be another boy but you have other things you should focus on. Have fun and wait for the man who will sweep you off your feet. Don't you settle for anything less now."

I'm sorry. I would love to tell you who I like. I really would but I know what would happen after I did. You would laugh and think I was joking and I would feel stupid. So instead I choose to ignore these feelings and hope they go away. You're fight, I'm flight. That's just how it is. There's other reasons too but I don't think you want to hear about that. It's irrational and I know it but I can't shake the fear.

Time for a good southern lunch. I think I got my accent back too. Call me if you want a good laugh.

PENSACOLA IN THE HOUSE!!!

So I have no internet all week unless I'm at my grandmother's house. This is so not cool. But I'm having crazy fun down here. I do miss Maryland though. They're trying to convince me to move down here. I told them it's probably not likely that that will happen.

I've already exceeded my goal for the week now I have a new one; to get this guy Mike to buy me two drinks. I have a good feeling it will be very easy. He's already trying to get me to funnel a beer. Plus he's ready for clubbing with me Thursday. Last night I was suppose to attempt to use my sister's old one to get into a 21 and over club because we apparently look like twins but she was a little drunk so me and Craig just too her home and stayed in for the night.

ROY JONES JR. WAS AMAZING! He kicked ass! the fight was called because sheika was so messed up in the 5th round out of 12 though so it wasn't as fun. This dude walked out to over the rainbow though. How weak. He won though so props to him. Jeff Monson beat big country Nelson which was beastly. Tori ended up giving me her beer at the end because she couldn't handle anymore. It was warm though. A little depressing. I got some awesome pics. This dude fell asleep next to Eric and so Eric starts taking pictures with him and the people with him weren't happy. It was the funniest thing ever though. The guy woke up in the middle of one of them. They got up and didn't come back.

I'll post later. Tori is getting angry. Oh yeah and Craig is hilarious. Apparently he doesn't share my family's view of getting drunk the day after Christmas :) He thought it was awesome. He has an awesome since of humor too. And he convinced Tori to let me drink this week. Good times. I def approve of this marriage now.

5 years ago

I was sitting in the den watching tv with my siblings when we got the call. We assumed itwas our grandma telling us about her plane times the next day. She had planned to spend spring break with us. Tori and I soon realized that something was wrong. We weren't sure what but there was definately something that had happened

My dad got off the phone and we were standing there waiting. He puts the phone down and without looking up says, "Matthew got in a car accident. He didn't make it." My heart drops. I can't breath. I want to cry but I can't in front of my family. It felt like forever that I stood leaning against that chair. The moment I could move I did. I walked upstairs, shut my door and broke down.

Matt was my cousin. He was the closest one to my age so he was probably the closest relative to me. He was 17 years old and a senior in high school. He planned on joining the Navy after graduation because he enjoyed ROTC so much. My Dad was his hero because he didn't have one himself so he was almost a brother to me as well.

It was the last day of his spring break and his mom asked him to go to the store real quick. Candace his girlfriend was at their house and they told her she could stay there if she wanted till he got back because she had just had her wisdom teeth pulled. She ended up going with him. Candace was 16 and a junior. One of the sweetest girls ever.

As they were pulling out of the neighborhood two trucks came speeding down the main road. As they crossed the intersection one of them hit his mom's sebring on the driver's side. They called 911 but it was already too late. Matt was killed on impact. The truck was alledgedly going 80 miles an hour. Candace was hospitalized and after being in a coma for seven days she died of severe brain damage. Her mom blames my aunt.

I remember his viewing like it was yesterday. I walked down the aisle to where he was. He was wearing his uniform for ROTC. I couldn't hold it in. My Aunt came over and held me. I stood there sobbing into her. I felt so embarrassed for being so weak but I couldn't control myself. The next day he was buried on the Navy base. His two best friends folded his flag and presented it to his mom. She walked out holding the flag to her chest. I walked behind with my cousin's arm around me. We lost one of the best people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing that day. I keep his shin guards from soccer on my shelf in my room. He used to kick the ball around with me when I would come visit. His mom also gave me a pair of his pajama pants and a huge soccer shirt because we were about the same size he was just a little taller.

I can't understand why people like that are taken and others get to live long healthy lives but act like assholes to everyone. It's so wrong. I would do anything to reverse these days. Today and March 6. I couldn't have done much for Matt but I could have saved Nathaniel. I kick myself everyday for it. If I had just walked over to his house. If I had payed more attention to him. When they found the note I almost wanted to do the same as him but I knew that wasn't the answer. All I can do is not make that same mistake again. Too bad I don't know how to do that.

If you want to read more about the whole report here's a link.
Matthew


P.S. I'm behind you 100% whatever happens. Just don't go to jail. I'm not gonna be here to bail you out. Or better yet be there beside you so you don't get raped in jail.

Career Paths

I'm majoring in Education with a focus in physical education and health right now. I plan on teaching high school even though with the degree I would recieve would allow me to teach k-12 which opens up more oppurtunitites for me. I'm reconsidering this though. Maybe I want to teach elementary school. I actually think that might be fun. I don't mind kids. Unlike some people I do not think they are little demons and want to punt them like a football across the room.

I'm not sure how serious I am about this yet though. I would love gym because I would be constantly moving and get to play sports for my job basically. Plus there's no homework to grade and if I gave quizzes it would be simple things like what part of your body cannot touch a soccer ball? Wow. Difficult, I know.

We've been talking about the differences between the grade levels in my intro to ed class though and it's got me wondering. I'm not so sure I would be good at it though. It's a big weight that would be on my shoulders because statistics show that if a child gets inadequate learning for one grade it takes years to catch back up. I don't want to screw up a kid like that. You can't really screw up P.E. You can but it's dificult unless you're a fat chick who bitches about stupid crap and not being fit but thinks she can play sports.

I really want to teach health though. Even though I know freshmen don't really care that they shouldn't be doing drugs or drinking alcohol until they are 25 so that it doesn't affect the growth of they're brains. And I know that they will just ignore me when I try to teach them about sex but I know that there are always a few good kids out there who will listen. I was one of them.

I'm kind of on the fence right now. We'll see what happens. I'll probably end up sticking with health and gym though.

Out of the loop

This morning I came upstairs and waited for my parents to finish getting ready so we could head to church. I had a decent conversation with my mom but I don't remember what it was about. I know part was about how she thinks I wasn't at work friday night until 2 am closing. I really was. Then we start to walk out the door. She turns me suddenly and says, " Oh yeah, did I tell you Darlene died?" Of course it took a second to process that sentence. The only response I could think was, "really?" She responds with, "Yeah, Wednesday," then proceeds to walk out to the car like nothing just happened.

I guess I should tell you who Darlene is. She is my grandfather's second wife. My grandpa died last year of cancer. Darlene had a form of cancer as well. She was a beautiful woman. Not physically but personality wise. They have one daughter together, Lisa who is my mom's half-sister. They are a very sweet family. I only met them a few times but I do remember when I was younger and Grandpa was in better health he would IM me and we would talk. I would talk to Lisa every now and then too. They lived in Houston, Texas and I was never allowed to go visit them except a couple times due to my Grandma and Mema not liking them. That's the beauty of divorce folks.

The worst part is that they were the only ones in my family that had sent me a birthday card every year with at least twenty five dollars in it. Even if the money had not been in there it meant a lot that they at least remembered. I recieved nothing from anyone outside my immediate family this year. Not even a phone call. I still have a necklace he gave me one year. It's a gold heart with a mustard seed inside. It's my favorite gift that's I've ever gotten mainly because of the note I got with it. I still have the baseball jacket with my name (spelled correctly too) on it he gave me for my 9th birthday. I had just started playing softball.

I'm really hurt that it took my mom five days to tell me she died and so bluntly too. Don't look too upset now.

March just keeps getting better and better for me every year. Next year I'm hibernating through it.

I had a chance

I turned it down. She asked me to tell her my thoughts. I couldn't do it. I froze.
Why?
I've been waiting for that chance for so long and when it came I couldn't do it. I'm so stupid!
She gave me an ultimatum too. It was a pretty crappy thing for her to make me choose between. Basically I'm never earning my trust back because I don't like door 1. Door 1 involves me turning my back on everything. I would get my credibility back without any question with that door.
I told her I couldn't. She said "Fine then, screw up your life," then turned her back on me.
I wish she could just experience one day of my life.
Then maybe she would understand.

I'm Back

The women in my family are psychotic. They seriously seem to try to do everything they can to manipulate and destroy each others lives just to make themselves feel better. You may be dying but I don't feel the least bit sorry for you. You've never been there for me unless it would benefit you in the end. That hurts. I may say that it doesn't but truthfully I know what I missed out on. I know that you suck at being a grandmother. I never noticed it before but now I see it. The only reason I got your car is so I would feel obligated to call you and go with you to Texas if need be. The only reason you're sending me money for boots is so you feel better about yourself and maybe God will think that your such a great person and will decide that you don't deserve to die. WAKE UP! People have it so much worse than you. You have lived a long life. I'm not saying give up but seriously I have no pity for you because you're doing nothing to help yourself. Sitting on a couch all day and pigging out is not going help you survive this.

You make me so angry. You could have some visited. You could have spent time with family and friends. I don't even know who you are. I've known my ex-boyfriends grandparents better than you and they treated me more like a granddaughter than you ever did. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth. Love without strings. That what I never got from you in the last 19 years.

Then there's mom. Oh if I could only say everything I wanted to. She promised she wouldn't turn into her mother but I see it happening daily. She wonders where I get my anger problems from and yells at me for drinking a few times when she has the worst anger problems in the family and partied her heart out in high school. Oh yeah and she got pulled over by a cop at 16 drunk and argued with him when he tried to give her a ticket. But of course if I was to tell her that I got pulled over for doing 49 in a 40 but recieved only a warning I would get yelled at for a month. Wow what a hypocrite.

I don't want to head down this path. It seems to be a trend though. Even my Great-grandmother is like this. Both sides of my family have women with this attitude. I feel like it's going to happen though. I'm going to end up not caring about those around me and focus on what will help me only no matter what the repercussions are for everyone else.

I'm not going to give in to that though. They say I care too much. Well I'd rather care too much and get screwed over than end up like them. I have lost all respect for them. Unlike her I'm not afraid to die. She is so scared. I don't want to yet but I know that I wouldn't have changed much at least not recently. I'm satisfied with my life so far. It's sad that she's spending her last year worried about death. If you're going to die eventually you might as well not worry about it. You can't stop it. The best you can do is make sure you've done everything you wanted to and that those who you love know it. Make sure they know how much they mean to you. You keep telling me you're going to do things later.

Why wait?

Before I go

So I'm leaving for Georgia in less than 24 hours. I can not accurately describe how excited I am. I love the fact that it's a ten hour bus ride. Plus I get to play softball six times in three days (if they don't get rained out which it's the south, it rains every day which I also love).

I'm going to try not to think about what Friday is though. It's an anniversary. Not the good kind. The kind that very year it comes around you want to spend the day in your room because no matter you do you can't stop thinking about it. March is my least favorite month. I won't go into detail till later. If my blogs seem really depressing this month though that's why.

March 6, 2002. I still remember the day perfectly. Every second from 3 pm to 10 pm. The lights, sounds, and the feeling. That day is the reason I was (and still am partially) haptephobic. for those who don't know that is the fear of being touched. It seems silly but I thought it was rational. It was my way of keeping people at a distance. I figure if you don't touch someone you can't get close. Any form of touch like hugging, hand shakes, even a simple hand on the shoulder was not allowed. I didn't want to hurt anyone again.

So maybe that explains me a little. Maybe not.

Job Hunting

That's what I'll be doing when I return from Georgia next weekend. I work 5-close Monday Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. That's rediculous. Especially when she knows that I leave Thursday for Georgia. And I believe my availibility reads that I can't work until 6 anyways. SHE IS SO STUPID!

When am I suppose to pack? I go to school in the morning practice 3-5 then work. Wow. I love my life. I can't take her stupidity and rudeness anymore. It's the most annoying thing ever. Go back to India. No one wants you here. I don't even care what I do as long as I get paid well and it doesn't have anything to do with Chuck E. Cheese.

I never even got the full raise she promised. Only half of it. That was back in like October. I'm so frustrated right now because I can't even go up and discuss my schedule with her because I might have strep and I can't work this weekend so if I show up there she's going to think I was lying. Which I'm not.

O yeah and I have and indoor game on monday at 10:30 (can't go to that now) and a softball doubleheader on Tuesday at 3. I have to be at my softball game. I already missed the one today and I'm missing all our spring break games. I feel terrible as it is for missing today when they already have two girls out with only 12 girls on the team. EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

I have a paper to write, a speech to finish, a test to study for, a trip to pack for, and 28 more hoours of student teaching to finish. My life does not revolve around Chuck E. Cheese like it does for her. I plan on doing something with my life. I don't plan on being a general manager of a Chuck E. Cheese store when I grow up. Nor do I plan on marrying another GM from another Chuck E. Cheese store. I have greater ambitions in life.

The only thing that has kept me from quitting are my friends. I love the people I work with and I have fun when I'm working with the other managers. BUT YOU SUCK!!! I have never liked you! You talk about how now I have warmed up to you from when you first started but I still hate you I just play my part well. The only reason i'm nice to you is so that I get good hours and a bigger pay check.

Good luck finding another worker out there who will put up with as much bullshit as I have. I only did it because I was too afraid to go find another job. I hope more people quit too so you get royally screwed. I guess I could work at one of the other cecs that I have offered me a job but I don't feel like making a long drive to work like you do everyday. You may like it but I have better things that I could do with an hour of my day.

If I didn't want a good recomendation from her I would tell her exactly what I thought but I actually want to get a good job. I'm not sure where I'll go yet but I have time to figure that out.

If I Could...

I would live on a remote tropical island. I would live in a bamboo hut with a grass roof. It wouldn't be anything special. It would be right near the tree line but still on the beach far enough away from the tide. Or maybe I would have a tree house like the Swiss Family Robinson. There would be a hammock hanging between two palm trees on the beach so I could lay around a read or nap. There would be no electricity. I would fish and learn to hunt for my food. No clocks. No television. No phones. No lights. Except the moon and stars and a fire.

I guess I would want maybe two other humans there with me. But they would have to be amazing. I wouldn't want annoying stupid people on my island. We wouldn't live near eachother either but close enough for a little human interaction.

A dog would be neccessary. Then I wouldn't have to completely depend on humans for a social life. His name would be lucky. I don't know what breed he would be but it would have to weigh more than five pounds and I would want to raise him from when he was a puppy. Maybe a horse too so I could ride along the beach and through the woods. A nice big white horse named prince.

Swimming, surfing (I would have to learn first), hiking, running, reading. Sounds great to me.

No stress and no worries. Everything would be carefree and easy. Do what you want when you want. You would keep track of time by the sun. I really wouldn't miss much either. I could do without all the excess technology that only makes life harder not easier. All the people that are annoying. But there are two people who wouldn't annoy me enough to be on the same island with the rest of my life.

I won't tell you who though :)

Really?

So for those that don't know I am playing softball for the college now. I'm thinking that I shouldn't have done that though. The team is a joke. I stood for two hours and did nothing. Occasionally a ball was hit and we would all run for it but other than that we did nothing. I'm pretty sure I could have played just as well if i was asleep. They don't even run full laps for a warm up. The high school gym class i student teach does more physical activity than we did!

No wonder this team is terrible. They don't push themselves. I want a challenge. I want room for improvement. They seem to be content with where they are. Even for me, as lazy as I am, it was so hard to just stand there and do nothing. I may not get better but at least I try. I attempt to get better and if you saw this team you would see very little effort. There is talent don't get me wrong. We have a good pitcher and the catchers equally skilled. Maybe I just haven't seen them in action yet. But if today was more activity than normal maybe I will be able to catch up on some much needed sleep.

Also I'd like to know why a majority of softball girls are fat and unathletic. I swear they make the sport an even bigger joke. If they aren't fat then they are really girly and don't look anything like an athlete because they try to dress all slutty for practice. They worst is he combination of the two though. I really don't want to see that running. It's gross. I don't even wear those tight shirts and I have a decent body for it(not trying to brag or anything I'm just saying that I'm skinny).

I don't know how much fun going to Georgia with them in a week is going to be either. They don't seem like the funnest crowd ever and Jourdan can get annoying. A 10 hour bus ride with that. WOO! Can't wait. That's why God invented the ipod though.

I love the sport though. That's why I decided to play. Yeah the money had something to do with it but it's also because I'm not ready for my athletic career to be over. All through my senior and junior year I hated sports because my coaches were crap. I ended up not playing softball my senior year which i don't regret. I probably would have gotten suspended for punching the third baseman if I had played anyways.

So yeah sorry if that was boring. I was only writing for my sake. I was procrastinating too. Time to finish my paper. If you have any tips on how to break up with someone without hurting their feelings tell me. It would really help. I tend to always crush the boys heart when I break up with them.

Misery loves company

I think you like to see me miserable.
I think you enjoy the look of agonizing pain I give you everytime you say it.
I think you hate the fact that I have control.
I think you hate the fact that I enjoy my life more than you enjoyed yours.
I think you're jealous.
I think you hate the fact that I'm not your puppet anymore.
I think you're blinded by your own fantasy.
I think you see the similarities and it scares you.
I think you hate that for once I'm not sitting at home every weekend wondering what it likes to go out.
I think you've been looking for a reason from the start.
I think you're lucky I have self control.
I think you know I depend on you still and you use that to your advantage.
I think you jump to conclusions too fast.
I think I've lost my trust in you just as much as you have in me.
I think you've lost me and you know it.
I think you've pushed me so far that I can't turn back.
I think we're never going to be the same ever again.
I think you have fogged up your own vision.
I think you want me to blow up.
I don't think you realize that you could have prevented this.

Rambling

I'm beginning to think working at Chuck E Cheese is bad for my health. I hit my head, actually it was more like I viciously attacked the lamp last thursday and it still hurts to touch my forehead. It didn't help that I had also hit my head earlier playing badminton in moccasins. Then Friday Becca thought it would be funny to jump up as high as we could to scare another(now former) employee not realizing that the lamps were right above us. So my head feels fabulous since now there is a whole new mountain range cropping up on it. I just thought everyone should know just how stupid we really are at cec. I'm think we're going to hit a record of being on the news soon.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that this was not one of my best weekends. I've been in an odd mood and bit people's heads off and I don't know what's wrong with me. I can normally brush something off but for some reason I took everything way too seriously the past few days. Maybe everything that has been building up just needed to some out. The worst part is that I think stuff and I want to say it to those people but I know if I do in that state that I will regret it and hurt them so I don't talk to those people. I make them stay away not because I don't want them around but becasue I need them to let me calm down so I can gather my thoughts.

Then on top of that my mom decided she wanted to yell at me all weekend again but that's become a little bit of a routine for us lately. I wish she would stop being rude because it's not working for her. She always complains about not wanting to lose another daughter but what she doesn't realize is that she's pushing me away more and more everyday. I have a great family don't get me wrong. I know there are people that have it so much worse than me and I know it's kinda my fault this happened. I've realized that my parents aren't who I thought they were a few months ago. They've changed. I've changed.

I recently talked to a girl who was a year ahead of me in high school. We played soccer together and had some classes as well. She said I was a completely different person than she remembered. I looked totally different. We talked for a while and she explained how I finally looked like a girl not like that freshman that she remembered with the huge shirts that had the stupid sayings on them. I walked with confidence. I don't remember everything she said but it just took me by surprise. I knew I had changed but was it really that much of a change? Another friend described how much I had changed since the fall and that one was pretty drastic but I think she was exagerating out of anger and frustration.

So this was really just me rambling about everything and procrastinating writing two papers. I'm suppose to stop procrastinating as a stress reliever in health. I don't know how well that's going to go. I'm trying though.

Instincts

My natural instincts at the moment are telling me to run. I've gotten in too deep. I've made connections and that is what I always knew not to do. That wall that most people built to keep people out I was born with. When you know you're going to lose everything that you know every two years it's natural. I had great friends growing up though. Nic was my best friend ever. I love the picture I have with him when we're walking in a parade at the start of soccer season and we're waving up at our moms smiling. We were 6 years old.

I've come to realize though that even at that age I didn't let anyone in. No one has ever known the real me. Kara, Penny, Matt, AJ, Sam, Cindy, Patricia, and Nathaniel. They only knew the fake half of me. The part that puts on a facade to the outside world because I'm to weak to get emotionally attached to anyone and then leave them or have them leave me.

I'd like to think I'm getting better at this as I stay in one place and realize that not everyone is going to leave me but I can't help but feel uneasy about letting someone know who I really am. I pretend to not care when I care the most. I don't show when I care because that would be letting someone know that I am attached to them or even worse admitting to myself that I have broken my cardinal rule of life. I never looked back when we left. The car would be packed and we would leave at four in the morning and I would never glance out the back window until we were out of the state. Glancing back would have meant that I didn't want to leave and I never wanted that glance to be my last memory. My last memory was always standing in my room looking out my window then walking straight out the front door and never looking back.

I wish I could show the real me but I'm afraid. I'm scared that I won't be liked or even worse that I will and then I'll be left behind. Hopefully one day I'll be able to let someone in when I trust them enough.

It's lame I know

So somehow I'm amazing at badminton. Either that or the other people in the class just suck really bad. I don't understand how I play this sport for two days and I'm already set to play the teacher who has been playing forever but sports that I've been playing since I could walk I am somehow getting worse at. When I play though I either smash the person or I make a really good come back. I played one girl twice (she looked more like a man though) I killed her 1-11 in the first match so she challenged me to a rematch. I was losing 2-9 when I came back to win 11-9. Then I beat some dork 11-1.
Now I'm not even Cortney anymore I'm the badminton girl in his health class. That gave me some great looks when he said that to the entire class. Thank goodness he doesn't remember having my mom as a student. He has me teaching the rules to kids too. I don't even know the rules very well but yet I have to explain them to the new people.
Ok so it sounds like I'm bragging but i'm totally not trying to. If I was going to brag about something it would something way cooler than playing badminton. I did throw my raquet across the court though. It slipped out of my hands but the only one that saw was the girl I was playing so it too embarrassing. And the shuttle hit me in the face too. I'm not sure how many people saw that one though.
On another note I don't understand why people don't understand the word no. When I say no and I say that you're not going to be able to change my mind stop asking and bringing it up. Especially if you're not really in the position to be asking for it. It's getting on my nerves and making me angry.

I gave in

So I was told I needed to start one so here it is. My life isn't the most amusing thing to read about but I'm just kinda hoping that this will help me vent a little and arrange my thoughts. Right now I'm busy watching Aladin and I just got done with the fox and the hound. I don't know why but I'm in a major disney mood right now. I think it's because disney movies make me feel like a kid and when I was a kid my life was so much simplier than it is now. I didn't have to fight with my parents all the time about our different opinions on my social life and I didn't get yelled at everyday about stuff that's not even my fault. I liked it better when my parents weren't always stressed out because they involve themselves in too many activities at once and then blame the house being a mess on me.
My mom has her opinions and she wants me to have the same ones. Too bad our opinions collide like two trains going full speed down the same track without brakes. She doesn't know how to forget. I get reminded every other day of what I did. I don't understand how she can't see that by bringing it up she only hurts me more. It's not something that I'm going to ever forget in my lifetime. It's causing me to grow away from my family though. They are pushing me one way and I'm steadily pulling myself away and I'm not really sure where I'm going to fall in the process. Maybe I'll learn to stand on my own feet for once or maybe I'll find someone who is willing to catch me. I would like to think I know who to trust and what to do but I'm only 19 and I know I'll make more and worse mistakes than I already have. The only thing I can do is learn from them. I can't promise to be that perfect daughter that I once was because that would be living the life they want for me like i did for 18 years. I'm ready for it to be my life.