Who Am I?

I don't know. I know who I want to be and I know who I'm suppose to be but I have no clue who I am. I feel like I've never been myself. I take on other people's traits when I'm around them and make them my own. That's may be because I know if I act like them I'll be accepted by them. Rejection is not something I easily handle. As much as I hate to admit it I did get teased all through school so maybe that's why half way through high school I realized that if I started acting like those around me then I wouldn't get made fun of as much. So most of the time I just nod my head and agree with what people are saying so I don't have to argue with them about my side.

I don't feel like I fit any of the many steroetypes that exist though. I don't stick out in any area of life. I'd like to think I'm defined a certain way but maybe that's just my perspective. Maybe I have a twisted perspective of myself I don't know.

This is the first spring in a while that I haven't had a boyfriend. Usually by now I've been dating someone for a few months. I see this as a good thing. I enjoy having a boyfriend, don't get me wrong, I just think it's good that I have time for other things. I'm not ready to be married so what's the point in dating unless I want to get married? I need to learn how to define myself first as well before I can be with someone else.

I don't want to settle either. I can look back at my relationships and see that there were things that really bothered me in the guy but I let it slide because I wanted a boyfriend. Sadly there's still a piece of me that still wishes I hadn't broken up with Paul. I remember the night I broke up with him perfectly. He was home from college for the weekend like he did every weekend even though he went to school in Tennessee. I was feeling sufficated by him and had decided right before he came to get me that I would break up with him that night. He picked me up in his '65 mustang and gave me a tshirt from his school and a teddy bear that are still in my room. We drove to his house and sat on the couch watching tv with his parents. They were talking about plans for the next week. They handed me a key to their house and said I could come over whenever if I didn't want to be at home. I felt horrible taking it but politely said thank you and smiled. After about an hour with his parents we went back to his room and layed in his bed watching a movie or something while ate pizza. I was so preoccupied about what I was going to say to him when he drove me back home. I probably had such a blank stare that night. About 11:30 he drove me back home. When we got to my porch he went to kiss me and I looked down. "I can't do this anymore." He stopped. "What?" "I feel overwhelmed." "It's ok you'll get through it. I'm here for you." He didn't understand that I meant I couldn't be in the relationship anymore. We sat on my steps and he tried to hold me as the tears rolled down my face. As much as I couldn't be with him anymore I still loved him deep down but I knew it was best for us to not be together anymore. He told me we could work it out. I told I didn't want to. He threw up in my yard at that point. I regretted telling him to eat that pizza. He finally made eye contact with me for the first time since we gotten to my porch. With tear filled eyes he said, "I love you. I always will." I watched him drive off and sat on my porch for another hour crying and thinking.

Two days later he texted me telling me that I needed to check my mailbox. He wrote me a two page letter saying he wants to work things out and he loves me and forever will no matter what. Only two other people have ever read that letter. Part of me wishes I hadn't broken up with him because I still have feelings for him. You never forget your first love. I know that had I stayed with him though I would be married and living in Tennessee. He had plans to propose that Chirstmas. I don't know what I would have said. I was only a senior and he was a freshman in college. Had I not broken up with him when I did I wouldn't be who I am now.

The one thing I learned is to not settle. That's what I've always done. If I'm going to date someone now though it's going to be someone who I truly have feelings for. No one should ever settle for something less than that. I'm only 19. If I live a full life I still have 60+ years to go. I'm not in a rush. I don't want to look back and think I went too fast and wish I had spent more time with friends like when I was dating Paul. Boys are not a priority to me. I only make someone a priority when they make me one as well. I'll wait for the guy who won't only text me when he's drunk, let's me have girl time, and actually has a personality.