Girls are stupid

I feel like I tried to get Nick Hartzell out of my life by not talking to him anymore and somehow he keeps finding a way back in. Lauren, captain of my softball, seems to be his map. She knows what happened between us and she thinks he's an ass but yet still tries to get me to talk to him again. Today she tells me that if I ever wanted to date him he wouldn't cheat on me. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!!! I don't ever bring him up mainly because he doesn't deserve the time to even think about him. I wasn't talking about boys. I wasn't talking about lacrosse. I wasn't talking about chemistry. The three things that would trigger the thought were never mentioned. Not only does she say it though, she says it so the whole team can hear it. Awesome Lauren, awesome. So I ask, "how do you know this?" She says that she asked him if he would ever cheat on a girl and he said no, not if she was worth it. I asked her if she asked specifically about me and she says no. I think about this for a second turn to her and go, "how do you know I would be worth it? Maybe he still would because I def don't trust him at all to keep his word. If he could text any other time besides when he's drunk and wants to hook up then maybe I would feel differently but for now I'm done with him." She defends him, (DEFENDS HIM!) and says that I probably would be worth it and that he says he was having a bad month and I should give him a second chance. I refuse to do that because he lost his shot. Apparently I wasn't worth it then what would make it different now. I have seen no change in him and I still hear the same stories about him. Yeah maybe a part of me still likes him every time I see him but then I remember that there are guys out there that are so much better and I'd rather be single than desprerate enough to date an idiot who would get a drunk at a party and hook up with other girls.

At the moment I'm not really attracted to anyone. Personally I don't think I'm capable of feeling love though. Watching you (you know who you are) jump around all week is making me feel exhausted. I give you that look when you say love because it's a powerful word and you almost say it with such ease and no fear whereas I will always have fear with that word. I admire you for that. The only reason I didn't say this to your face is because that would be showing good emotions which is difficult for me. You'll have to excuse me for that. See I'm used to people leaving every two years and I learned not to become attached. If I do then I'll only be upset when they leave or I do. You always say I'm negative and that's because it's easier for me to do that than show that I enjoy or like something. I act like I don't really care about indoor but deep down I really do. I guess I'm more afraid that if I try i'll fail and see that I really do stink at soccer as much as I think I do and I'm more content with knowing I wasn't really doing my best and that maybe there's more potential. It's stupid and you can yell at me later for it and kick a soccer ball at me monday. My biggest fear is that someone is going to call me out on it one day. That someone will see that I'm lying and push an inch further till I crack.