Instincts

My natural instincts at the moment are telling me to run. I've gotten in too deep. I've made connections and that is what I always knew not to do. That wall that most people built to keep people out I was born with. When you know you're going to lose everything that you know every two years it's natural. I had great friends growing up though. Nic was my best friend ever. I love the picture I have with him when we're walking in a parade at the start of soccer season and we're waving up at our moms smiling. We were 6 years old.

I've come to realize though that even at that age I didn't let anyone in. No one has ever known the real me. Kara, Penny, Matt, AJ, Sam, Cindy, Patricia, and Nathaniel. They only knew the fake half of me. The part that puts on a facade to the outside world because I'm to weak to get emotionally attached to anyone and then leave them or have them leave me.

I'd like to think I'm getting better at this as I stay in one place and realize that not everyone is going to leave me but I can't help but feel uneasy about letting someone know who I really am. I pretend to not care when I care the most. I don't show when I care because that would be letting someone know that I am attached to them or even worse admitting to myself that I have broken my cardinal rule of life. I never looked back when we left. The car would be packed and we would leave at four in the morning and I would never glance out the back window until we were out of the state. Glancing back would have meant that I didn't want to leave and I never wanted that glance to be my last memory. My last memory was always standing in my room looking out my window then walking straight out the front door and never looking back.

I wish I could show the real me but I'm afraid. I'm scared that I won't be liked or even worse that I will and then I'll be left behind. Hopefully one day I'll be able to let someone in when I trust them enough.