Emptiness

I walked into the house and it was so quiet. It's the first time I haven't heard that distinct "Heeeyyy!!" I can still hear it perfecly. I still have the vision of her saying it for the last time over spring break. I miss it. Her chair is empty and the tv's volume is low. There's no wonderful smell of whatever she has been cooking all day throughout the house. It's empty. It hit me for the first time that she was gone. I know Friday I'm going to fall apart. The last time I saw her I told her I loved her and gave her the usual hug. She told me the same and I told her I'd see her in a month when I came down for the wedding.

We were looking around the house and Grandma told us that whatever we wanted we could have at the end of the week she's just not ready to part with any of it yet. I found a ring and a smaller one of her rooster figurines that I want. Those are the only two things I will take. I found her wedding rings. They fit my finger perfectly. She was 93 and perfectly happy with her life and that's why every tear that I have and will shed are out of joy for her.

Florida will never be the same.

Bittersweet

She left us around 2 am. I'm not sad. I didn't cry. I'm actually happy for her. She's much better off. The part that hurts right now is I feel like she's not the only one I've lost. Maybe the bridge is burned and can't be rebuilt. We'll have to wait and see.

Last home game

I got my first bloody nose today. During warm up for softball I was pitching wiffle balls to Sarah Morrill who thinks it's hilarious when they hit me. I keep telling her just don't hit me in the face and I'll be good. And guess what happens next. She line drives one of the larger ones right at my face. I don't remeber actually getting hit I just remember being on my knees facing the opposite direction with my head on the ground. I thought my lip was what got the full blow so I kept touching my lip checking it and my eyes were watering and everyone was around me going oh my god are you ok? I started giggling and going yeah yeah I'm good. Finally I stood up when I was sure there was no blood and as soon as I did they go oh my god Cortney your nose is bleeding! So I touch my batting glove to my nose not thinking and now there's blood on them. Kim had to give me gauze because both nostrils were dripping blood. Luckly none got on the uniform. My nose feels congested now and it's sore. I can't touch or move it without pain. Hopefully it doesn't bruise. My lip is a little swollen and my nose is too so I hope they like the way I look at work tonight. I debated whether to call out with a head injury but I already can't come in sunday. That's what they get for making me close all weekend, jerks. So yeah I'll tell you if I get aa nice bruised nose for my sister's wedding. She'll love that.

Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life.

Every summer since I came to America I've spent at least a week in Florida. As the years went on we gradually spent less time. We always satayed with Mema and Granddaddy. I remember when he died a part of her did too. Then her daughter passed a few years ago. That was a little rougher. Now she's spending nights in the hospital at the age of 93 and may not live to see my sister walk down the aisle. She's been there since Sunday night after being brought by an ambulance with a heart rate of 20. They wanted to give her a pace maker but have found out that would kill her immediatly. She doesn't want life support. She wants to spend her last days at home and with people she loves. Grandma is also in the hospital as well with multiple blood clots in her legs from the cancer. She will do anything to stay alive. She wants to be the voice for Mema when she is no longer of sound mind. The nurse asked my mom if she would be when she came down because my mom will do what Mema wants whereas Grandma will do whatever it takes to keep her alive, conscious or not.

It'll be the hardest thing for her to tell them not to help her. You're natural instinct is to keep someone you love alive. In one hand I'm sad for the future without her. On the other I'm so happy for her that she lived a long loving life and she will soon be in a better place. My sister dreamed Mema died on her wedding day. She's bringing a picture that I took of her in the wedding dress to her to give her hope and something to aim for. They think she only has a few weeks left if she's lucky. The hardest part is letting go. She won't yet but I know I need to start to. I may not be able to attend her funeral if it happens during this semester. I really hope she can hold on. She has the strength and the will. I've seen it in her eyes but I know her time is coming and she will have to let go.

Lost in my thoughts

I think myself into anger. I imagine what I would say to someone when they tick me off and I think about what their response would be back and I hold this whole conversation in my head and eventually it shows on my face and my body language that I'm upset. In the end though that person never did anything except one little thing but I'm more angry about the conversation that might happen if I was confronted. This conversation in my head has me thinking though. Every now and then in life you have a fork in the road and you must choose a path. Normally I would go right but I'm actually thinking about the left this time. It has just as good of a path as the right does. They both have pros and cons. Both equally appealing for different reasons. The problem is I'm used to the right. I know it by heart and there will be no surprises. The left will be totally new and different. I'm 50/50 either way right now which is difficult for me to think that I would even consider not going right.

I'm more confused than ever now.

Girls are stupid

I feel like I tried to get Nick Hartzell out of my life by not talking to him anymore and somehow he keeps finding a way back in. Lauren, captain of my softball, seems to be his map. She knows what happened between us and she thinks he's an ass but yet still tries to get me to talk to him again. Today she tells me that if I ever wanted to date him he wouldn't cheat on me. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!!! I don't ever bring him up mainly because he doesn't deserve the time to even think about him. I wasn't talking about boys. I wasn't talking about lacrosse. I wasn't talking about chemistry. The three things that would trigger the thought were never mentioned. Not only does she say it though, she says it so the whole team can hear it. Awesome Lauren, awesome. So I ask, "how do you know this?" She says that she asked him if he would ever cheat on a girl and he said no, not if she was worth it. I asked her if she asked specifically about me and she says no. I think about this for a second turn to her and go, "how do you know I would be worth it? Maybe he still would because I def don't trust him at all to keep his word. If he could text any other time besides when he's drunk and wants to hook up then maybe I would feel differently but for now I'm done with him." She defends him, (DEFENDS HIM!) and says that I probably would be worth it and that he says he was having a bad month and I should give him a second chance. I refuse to do that because he lost his shot. Apparently I wasn't worth it then what would make it different now. I have seen no change in him and I still hear the same stories about him. Yeah maybe a part of me still likes him every time I see him but then I remember that there are guys out there that are so much better and I'd rather be single than desprerate enough to date an idiot who would get a drunk at a party and hook up with other girls.

At the moment I'm not really attracted to anyone. Personally I don't think I'm capable of feeling love though. Watching you (you know who you are) jump around all week is making me feel exhausted. I give you that look when you say love because it's a powerful word and you almost say it with such ease and no fear whereas I will always have fear with that word. I admire you for that. The only reason I didn't say this to your face is because that would be showing good emotions which is difficult for me. You'll have to excuse me for that. See I'm used to people leaving every two years and I learned not to become attached. If I do then I'll only be upset when they leave or I do. You always say I'm negative and that's because it's easier for me to do that than show that I enjoy or like something. I act like I don't really care about indoor but deep down I really do. I guess I'm more afraid that if I try i'll fail and see that I really do stink at soccer as much as I think I do and I'm more content with knowing I wasn't really doing my best and that maybe there's more potential. It's stupid and you can yell at me later for it and kick a soccer ball at me monday. My biggest fear is that someone is going to call me out on it one day. That someone will see that I'm lying and push an inch further till I crack.

Who Am I?

I don't know. I know who I want to be and I know who I'm suppose to be but I have no clue who I am. I feel like I've never been myself. I take on other people's traits when I'm around them and make them my own. That's may be because I know if I act like them I'll be accepted by them. Rejection is not something I easily handle. As much as I hate to admit it I did get teased all through school so maybe that's why half way through high school I realized that if I started acting like those around me then I wouldn't get made fun of as much. So most of the time I just nod my head and agree with what people are saying so I don't have to argue with them about my side.

I don't feel like I fit any of the many steroetypes that exist though. I don't stick out in any area of life. I'd like to think I'm defined a certain way but maybe that's just my perspective. Maybe I have a twisted perspective of myself I don't know.

This is the first spring in a while that I haven't had a boyfriend. Usually by now I've been dating someone for a few months. I see this as a good thing. I enjoy having a boyfriend, don't get me wrong, I just think it's good that I have time for other things. I'm not ready to be married so what's the point in dating unless I want to get married? I need to learn how to define myself first as well before I can be with someone else.

I don't want to settle either. I can look back at my relationships and see that there were things that really bothered me in the guy but I let it slide because I wanted a boyfriend. Sadly there's still a piece of me that still wishes I hadn't broken up with Paul. I remember the night I broke up with him perfectly. He was home from college for the weekend like he did every weekend even though he went to school in Tennessee. I was feeling sufficated by him and had decided right before he came to get me that I would break up with him that night. He picked me up in his '65 mustang and gave me a tshirt from his school and a teddy bear that are still in my room. We drove to his house and sat on the couch watching tv with his parents. They were talking about plans for the next week. They handed me a key to their house and said I could come over whenever if I didn't want to be at home. I felt horrible taking it but politely said thank you and smiled. After about an hour with his parents we went back to his room and layed in his bed watching a movie or something while ate pizza. I was so preoccupied about what I was going to say to him when he drove me back home. I probably had such a blank stare that night. About 11:30 he drove me back home. When we got to my porch he went to kiss me and I looked down. "I can't do this anymore." He stopped. "What?" "I feel overwhelmed." "It's ok you'll get through it. I'm here for you." He didn't understand that I meant I couldn't be in the relationship anymore. We sat on my steps and he tried to hold me as the tears rolled down my face. As much as I couldn't be with him anymore I still loved him deep down but I knew it was best for us to not be together anymore. He told me we could work it out. I told I didn't want to. He threw up in my yard at that point. I regretted telling him to eat that pizza. He finally made eye contact with me for the first time since we gotten to my porch. With tear filled eyes he said, "I love you. I always will." I watched him drive off and sat on my porch for another hour crying and thinking.

Two days later he texted me telling me that I needed to check my mailbox. He wrote me a two page letter saying he wants to work things out and he loves me and forever will no matter what. Only two other people have ever read that letter. Part of me wishes I hadn't broken up with him because I still have feelings for him. You never forget your first love. I know that had I stayed with him though I would be married and living in Tennessee. He had plans to propose that Chirstmas. I don't know what I would have said. I was only a senior and he was a freshman in college. Had I not broken up with him when I did I wouldn't be who I am now.

The one thing I learned is to not settle. That's what I've always done. If I'm going to date someone now though it's going to be someone who I truly have feelings for. No one should ever settle for something less than that. I'm only 19. If I live a full life I still have 60+ years to go. I'm not in a rush. I don't want to look back and think I went too fast and wish I had spent more time with friends like when I was dating Paul. Boys are not a priority to me. I only make someone a priority when they make me one as well. I'll wait for the guy who won't only text me when he's drunk, let's me have girl time, and actually has a personality.

A little different.

I think I want to get a tattoo. I know random right? Actually Erica and I were talking about it last night. She wants one on her foot and I told her we should go get ours done together. When I tell you where I know exactly what you're going to think because it's exactly what Erica, Sara, and Sam said. I would like to have it on my lower back. Yeah I know, tramp stamp. It would be small and not very elaborate. Probably just a hibiscus flower.

It's just something I was thinking about. I'll sit on it for a little and listen to other people's opinions on the matter then make my own decision. Doing something that drastic seems crazy to me. Putting something permanent on my body scares me a little.

If you have any better ideas tell me. I don' want to get a lame tattoo if I do get one. I won't be getting it for a while though if I do.

Haha and I love closing with Erica because we always talk about fun stuff. Now she knows something that absolutely no one else knows about me except one person. Lucky her lol. She wants to use it against me in our next game of never have I ever.

The Glass is Always Half Full

So I was laying on the hood of my car with my radio playing Rascal Flatts and Taylor Swift in the background while sitting in the parking lot before softball practice. Cherish was in her 'stang in front of me laughing. It was so gorgeous I just wanted to relax because it seems like I never get to do that anymore. I'm always stressed about something whether it's work, school, sports, or family. Something is always on my mind.

Sarah Morrill pulled up next to me and told me to climb on my roof and she did the same. It would have made a great photo. We were just chilling singing along with Taylor Swift.

I eventually talked our captain into taken a nice scenic run while up there. Running helps me think. She started telling me how she would love to do that and I toldher how that would benefit our team so much even though we don't really need to run that much in softball. She told me that if i could convince the team to run then we would. She wished me luck because people like Jourdan and Katie pitch a fit even when we run less than a lap around the field. We ended up running around the first softball field and back.

Between sitting on my car listening to country and taking a nice run, I did a lot of thinking. Not about anything specific just about the future and about my attitude towards things and about people. I worry way too much and I don't take charge enough. I need to do things for me not because someone else wants me to or because it'll make someone else happy. I mean not that I shouldn't try to please people but I don't think I make decisions based on myself a lot. I'm always worried that my choice will hurt someone else or I'll screw up. I act too much like a child as well. I need to grow up and deal with things. Not everythings easy and things get messy but that's life and it's not going to turn out the way I want. It's not a disney fairytale.

I need to focus more on what's good and not so much on how everything is falling apart. I have so many good things happening and I don't even acknowledge them because I'm too focused on what went wrong. So yeah I sat out two softball games. Two sophomores played in my spot. When I'm a sophomore I don't want a freshman playing before me unless she's amazing. And I'm getting payed $350 so what am I complaining about. All I can do it catch balls and swing my bat I can't control the line up.

From now on no more negative nelly.

HAHAHA!

My mom thinks I'm prego.
Wow. I find that really amusing.
(FYI I'm not)

Zzzzz...

I'm so crazy tired right now. After rushing out the door this morning because someone doesn't know how to wake up on time *cough* Becca *cough* I slept all three hours to my softball game and back in New Jersey. It was awesome. We won the game I played in too. I touched the ball once because Sarah was striking out all their batters, nothing was coming to me, and he wouldn't let me hit. Oh well I'll just have to work on my batting so I don't need to be like a lame pitcher and have a DH.



I'm trying to finish my homework for my English conference tomorrow but am finding it super difficult to stay awake. My eyelids are so heavy right now. I feel like I'm forgetting to do something for my education class too but oh well. Hopefully it will come to me later. I'm really behind on my homework though. I've been majorly slacking this semester and I need to get my act together. My to-do list is so long right now. I've just let everything pile up and now I have to deal with it.



My life would be so much easier if I didn't have to fight with my mom all the time. I guess that's mostly my fault though. If I didn't drink I wouldn't have that problem. I could stop yes, but I think part of me only enjoys it because it annoys her. Terrible, I know.



Something's wrong with my breathing too. I can tell my lungs won't fill up. It's really bothering me when I go to run or when I wake up from sleeping and I go to take a deep breath and nothing's happening. I woke up on the bus and had to sit up because my lungs felt empty. That might have had something to do with my dream as well though. Hopefully I can breath better by tomorrow.

Last Night

I'm not sure what was wrong with me. Normally I just don't get angry or frustrated I just hold in the emotions until I vent it all out to someone but last night something in my head just snapped. I don't even have an excuse for it. Every thing that has been bugging me for months seemed to catch up and the smallest little moment set me off. By the end of the night my body was ready to shut down.

Mentally I was done. I've never thought so negative in my life. I wanted to quit. Not just work, everything. I wanted to lay down and never get up. Usually I always have a little spark of hope and positive thoughts to keep me upbeat but not last night. After I clocked out i was talking to Nicole and Shanade about my thoughts. I layed on the floor and evetually forced myself to go to my car.

I'm almost embarassed to admit that this happened to me. I'm stupid and selfish for letting that set me off too. It was so rude of me. That was seriously the worst attitude I have ever had. Normally those things just brush off but this one just got me going. I feel terrible about it now. I was a bitch.

I didn't snap out of it till half way through the first softball game. I have De to thank for that. I'm glad he showed me how stupid I was being. I can't believe I would be so backstabbing. But it wasn't just that, it was everything. I wanted to just redo my whole life. I couldn't take it anymore. All night I was constantly trying to surpress the thoughts but I couldn't. I knew the consequences of doing it would not be worth it. I had other people to think of first.

I'm not trying to whine, just simply explaining my actions although there is no excuse for the way I acted. It was irrational and childish. I'm really upset with myself more than anything now. Thankfully my frustration is gone and my anger subsided. I have to try to not bottle up my emotions so much anymore if this is how it's going to effect me. It's more dangerous than I thought.