Back to school

I hate flying by myself. Never do it. It's the most boring thing in the world. But overall I had a great time in Florida after a little bump in the road. The only bad part was Craig getting in a car accident and needing six stitches in his head. He ended up sleeping at Tori's house the last three nights. And his truck is totalled so he's got to drive around his grandma's van now. Haha. Awesome.

My mom thinks I'm dating one of the guys I met down there which I think is hilarious because we would never go out with eachother even though he is a really cool guy and we had some good moments while I was down there. But then again she apparently knows things about me that she can't tell my 14 year old sister because she's too young. Hmmm...I really want to know what I've done(or what she thinks I've done) that is that terrible. I'm really intrigued about this.

Well anyways homework still needs to get done. Tomorrow it's back to school and softball and teaching and work. Spring break is such a teaser. It gets you ready for summer and then you have to go back to school for two more months. Can't wait for May though. Trip two to Florida. Should be fun because now I know a lot more people and they already have a party lined up when I come down. A pre-wedding party. Don't think I'll be there or at least not drinking with the rest of them.

Homework? On Spring Break? What the heck?

I'm spending the day with my Grandma and my great grandma who I call Mema. Grandma was suppose to pick me up at 9 but I got a call around 9:30 with her apologizing for being late. She recieved a call from Johns Hopkins telling her that her cancer was too far along and had spread too far that there was no point in operating. So she calls my mom tells her the news and come over to get me. When I get to Mema's house Grandma shows me the whole routine they go through every morning with Mema. They have to wigh her, check her blood sugar levels, and blood pressure. After that she recieves all of her morning pills.

Mema is losing her hearing and her sight. She can barely see anything. It's hard for me to talk to her because I mumble so I have to talk so much louder than normal so she can hear me. Grandma left the room for a few minutes and Mema took the moment to tell me that she was afraid. I was expecting her to tell me that she was scared of dying or something of that level. She's scared for her daughter. Mema said she doesn't like to watch Grandma go through this and she doesn't know what's going to happen to her now that she can't get the operation. All I could do was sit there and look at her. She was looking at the floor. Mema's 93. She's outlived her husband and her other daughter. I don't know what will happen if she outlives the other one.

She asked me about any boys in my life. I told her I broke up with the last one and she responded with a smile. "Good for you. You're young don't rush into anything. There will always be another boy but you have other things you should focus on. Have fun and wait for the man who will sweep you off your feet. Don't you settle for anything less now."

I'm sorry. I would love to tell you who I like. I really would but I know what would happen after I did. You would laugh and think I was joking and I would feel stupid. So instead I choose to ignore these feelings and hope they go away. You're fight, I'm flight. That's just how it is. There's other reasons too but I don't think you want to hear about that. It's irrational and I know it but I can't shake the fear.

Time for a good southern lunch. I think I got my accent back too. Call me if you want a good laugh.

PENSACOLA IN THE HOUSE!!!

So I have no internet all week unless I'm at my grandmother's house. This is so not cool. But I'm having crazy fun down here. I do miss Maryland though. They're trying to convince me to move down here. I told them it's probably not likely that that will happen.

I've already exceeded my goal for the week now I have a new one; to get this guy Mike to buy me two drinks. I have a good feeling it will be very easy. He's already trying to get me to funnel a beer. Plus he's ready for clubbing with me Thursday. Last night I was suppose to attempt to use my sister's old one to get into a 21 and over club because we apparently look like twins but she was a little drunk so me and Craig just too her home and stayed in for the night.

ROY JONES JR. WAS AMAZING! He kicked ass! the fight was called because sheika was so messed up in the 5th round out of 12 though so it wasn't as fun. This dude walked out to over the rainbow though. How weak. He won though so props to him. Jeff Monson beat big country Nelson which was beastly. Tori ended up giving me her beer at the end because she couldn't handle anymore. It was warm though. A little depressing. I got some awesome pics. This dude fell asleep next to Eric and so Eric starts taking pictures with him and the people with him weren't happy. It was the funniest thing ever though. The guy woke up in the middle of one of them. They got up and didn't come back.

I'll post later. Tori is getting angry. Oh yeah and Craig is hilarious. Apparently he doesn't share my family's view of getting drunk the day after Christmas :) He thought it was awesome. He has an awesome since of humor too. And he convinced Tori to let me drink this week. Good times. I def approve of this marriage now.

5 years ago

I was sitting in the den watching tv with my siblings when we got the call. We assumed itwas our grandma telling us about her plane times the next day. She had planned to spend spring break with us. Tori and I soon realized that something was wrong. We weren't sure what but there was definately something that had happened

My dad got off the phone and we were standing there waiting. He puts the phone down and without looking up says, "Matthew got in a car accident. He didn't make it." My heart drops. I can't breath. I want to cry but I can't in front of my family. It felt like forever that I stood leaning against that chair. The moment I could move I did. I walked upstairs, shut my door and broke down.

Matt was my cousin. He was the closest one to my age so he was probably the closest relative to me. He was 17 years old and a senior in high school. He planned on joining the Navy after graduation because he enjoyed ROTC so much. My Dad was his hero because he didn't have one himself so he was almost a brother to me as well.

It was the last day of his spring break and his mom asked him to go to the store real quick. Candace his girlfriend was at their house and they told her she could stay there if she wanted till he got back because she had just had her wisdom teeth pulled. She ended up going with him. Candace was 16 and a junior. One of the sweetest girls ever.

As they were pulling out of the neighborhood two trucks came speeding down the main road. As they crossed the intersection one of them hit his mom's sebring on the driver's side. They called 911 but it was already too late. Matt was killed on impact. The truck was alledgedly going 80 miles an hour. Candace was hospitalized and after being in a coma for seven days she died of severe brain damage. Her mom blames my aunt.

I remember his viewing like it was yesterday. I walked down the aisle to where he was. He was wearing his uniform for ROTC. I couldn't hold it in. My Aunt came over and held me. I stood there sobbing into her. I felt so embarrassed for being so weak but I couldn't control myself. The next day he was buried on the Navy base. His two best friends folded his flag and presented it to his mom. She walked out holding the flag to her chest. I walked behind with my cousin's arm around me. We lost one of the best people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing that day. I keep his shin guards from soccer on my shelf in my room. He used to kick the ball around with me when I would come visit. His mom also gave me a pair of his pajama pants and a huge soccer shirt because we were about the same size he was just a little taller.

I can't understand why people like that are taken and others get to live long healthy lives but act like assholes to everyone. It's so wrong. I would do anything to reverse these days. Today and March 6. I couldn't have done much for Matt but I could have saved Nathaniel. I kick myself everyday for it. If I had just walked over to his house. If I had payed more attention to him. When they found the note I almost wanted to do the same as him but I knew that wasn't the answer. All I can do is not make that same mistake again. Too bad I don't know how to do that.

If you want to read more about the whole report here's a link.
Matthew


P.S. I'm behind you 100% whatever happens. Just don't go to jail. I'm not gonna be here to bail you out. Or better yet be there beside you so you don't get raped in jail.

Career Paths

I'm majoring in Education with a focus in physical education and health right now. I plan on teaching high school even though with the degree I would recieve would allow me to teach k-12 which opens up more oppurtunitites for me. I'm reconsidering this though. Maybe I want to teach elementary school. I actually think that might be fun. I don't mind kids. Unlike some people I do not think they are little demons and want to punt them like a football across the room.

I'm not sure how serious I am about this yet though. I would love gym because I would be constantly moving and get to play sports for my job basically. Plus there's no homework to grade and if I gave quizzes it would be simple things like what part of your body cannot touch a soccer ball? Wow. Difficult, I know.

We've been talking about the differences between the grade levels in my intro to ed class though and it's got me wondering. I'm not so sure I would be good at it though. It's a big weight that would be on my shoulders because statistics show that if a child gets inadequate learning for one grade it takes years to catch back up. I don't want to screw up a kid like that. You can't really screw up P.E. You can but it's dificult unless you're a fat chick who bitches about stupid crap and not being fit but thinks she can play sports.

I really want to teach health though. Even though I know freshmen don't really care that they shouldn't be doing drugs or drinking alcohol until they are 25 so that it doesn't affect the growth of they're brains. And I know that they will just ignore me when I try to teach them about sex but I know that there are always a few good kids out there who will listen. I was one of them.

I'm kind of on the fence right now. We'll see what happens. I'll probably end up sticking with health and gym though.

Out of the loop

This morning I came upstairs and waited for my parents to finish getting ready so we could head to church. I had a decent conversation with my mom but I don't remember what it was about. I know part was about how she thinks I wasn't at work friday night until 2 am closing. I really was. Then we start to walk out the door. She turns me suddenly and says, " Oh yeah, did I tell you Darlene died?" Of course it took a second to process that sentence. The only response I could think was, "really?" She responds with, "Yeah, Wednesday," then proceeds to walk out to the car like nothing just happened.

I guess I should tell you who Darlene is. She is my grandfather's second wife. My grandpa died last year of cancer. Darlene had a form of cancer as well. She was a beautiful woman. Not physically but personality wise. They have one daughter together, Lisa who is my mom's half-sister. They are a very sweet family. I only met them a few times but I do remember when I was younger and Grandpa was in better health he would IM me and we would talk. I would talk to Lisa every now and then too. They lived in Houston, Texas and I was never allowed to go visit them except a couple times due to my Grandma and Mema not liking them. That's the beauty of divorce folks.

The worst part is that they were the only ones in my family that had sent me a birthday card every year with at least twenty five dollars in it. Even if the money had not been in there it meant a lot that they at least remembered. I recieved nothing from anyone outside my immediate family this year. Not even a phone call. I still have a necklace he gave me one year. It's a gold heart with a mustard seed inside. It's my favorite gift that's I've ever gotten mainly because of the note I got with it. I still have the baseball jacket with my name (spelled correctly too) on it he gave me for my 9th birthday. I had just started playing softball.

I'm really hurt that it took my mom five days to tell me she died and so bluntly too. Don't look too upset now.

March just keeps getting better and better for me every year. Next year I'm hibernating through it.

I had a chance

I turned it down. She asked me to tell her my thoughts. I couldn't do it. I froze.
Why?
I've been waiting for that chance for so long and when it came I couldn't do it. I'm so stupid!
She gave me an ultimatum too. It was a pretty crappy thing for her to make me choose between. Basically I'm never earning my trust back because I don't like door 1. Door 1 involves me turning my back on everything. I would get my credibility back without any question with that door.
I told her I couldn't. She said "Fine then, screw up your life," then turned her back on me.
I wish she could just experience one day of my life.
Then maybe she would understand.

I'm Back

The women in my family are psychotic. They seriously seem to try to do everything they can to manipulate and destroy each others lives just to make themselves feel better. You may be dying but I don't feel the least bit sorry for you. You've never been there for me unless it would benefit you in the end. That hurts. I may say that it doesn't but truthfully I know what I missed out on. I know that you suck at being a grandmother. I never noticed it before but now I see it. The only reason I got your car is so I would feel obligated to call you and go with you to Texas if need be. The only reason you're sending me money for boots is so you feel better about yourself and maybe God will think that your such a great person and will decide that you don't deserve to die. WAKE UP! People have it so much worse than you. You have lived a long life. I'm not saying give up but seriously I have no pity for you because you're doing nothing to help yourself. Sitting on a couch all day and pigging out is not going help you survive this.

You make me so angry. You could have some visited. You could have spent time with family and friends. I don't even know who you are. I've known my ex-boyfriends grandparents better than you and they treated me more like a granddaughter than you ever did. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth. Love without strings. That what I never got from you in the last 19 years.

Then there's mom. Oh if I could only say everything I wanted to. She promised she wouldn't turn into her mother but I see it happening daily. She wonders where I get my anger problems from and yells at me for drinking a few times when she has the worst anger problems in the family and partied her heart out in high school. Oh yeah and she got pulled over by a cop at 16 drunk and argued with him when he tried to give her a ticket. But of course if I was to tell her that I got pulled over for doing 49 in a 40 but recieved only a warning I would get yelled at for a month. Wow what a hypocrite.

I don't want to head down this path. It seems to be a trend though. Even my Great-grandmother is like this. Both sides of my family have women with this attitude. I feel like it's going to happen though. I'm going to end up not caring about those around me and focus on what will help me only no matter what the repercussions are for everyone else.

I'm not going to give in to that though. They say I care too much. Well I'd rather care too much and get screwed over than end up like them. I have lost all respect for them. Unlike her I'm not afraid to die. She is so scared. I don't want to yet but I know that I wouldn't have changed much at least not recently. I'm satisfied with my life so far. It's sad that she's spending her last year worried about death. If you're going to die eventually you might as well not worry about it. You can't stop it. The best you can do is make sure you've done everything you wanted to and that those who you love know it. Make sure they know how much they mean to you. You keep telling me you're going to do things later.

Why wait?

Before I go

So I'm leaving for Georgia in less than 24 hours. I can not accurately describe how excited I am. I love the fact that it's a ten hour bus ride. Plus I get to play softball six times in three days (if they don't get rained out which it's the south, it rains every day which I also love).

I'm going to try not to think about what Friday is though. It's an anniversary. Not the good kind. The kind that very year it comes around you want to spend the day in your room because no matter you do you can't stop thinking about it. March is my least favorite month. I won't go into detail till later. If my blogs seem really depressing this month though that's why.

March 6, 2002. I still remember the day perfectly. Every second from 3 pm to 10 pm. The lights, sounds, and the feeling. That day is the reason I was (and still am partially) haptephobic. for those who don't know that is the fear of being touched. It seems silly but I thought it was rational. It was my way of keeping people at a distance. I figure if you don't touch someone you can't get close. Any form of touch like hugging, hand shakes, even a simple hand on the shoulder was not allowed. I didn't want to hurt anyone again.

So maybe that explains me a little. Maybe not.