Surgery

My mom had surgery the other day to remove her tumor. It was actually one of her eggs that started to form a fetus by itself. She got through it fine but next week we find out if it's benign or malignant. I"m a little nervous but I know that everything will turn out fine either way. I hate that she planned it while I'm away but I'll be home soon. This made me realize that I don't want to waste my time anymore. I don't want to hold grudges, I don't want to be mad, and I don't want to put things off for the future. Life's too short to waste it being mad over petty things.
Life seems to be changing rapidly. Once I got out of high school I realized I wasn't the same person as when I started and now half way through college I realized I've changed from when I began almost two years ago. I've become a little more of a girl and I've learned to pick my battles and not be such a push over. This summer will mark a lot more changes. Possibly more significant ones. I'll be helping Jon move down to Georgia which is amazing. I absolutely love it down there. He's never had to move before so he has a lot to learn from the master of moving around the world :).
I've started writing stories and keeping a journal just have something to do. I enjoy it a lot more than I thought I would. I've only completed two short stories but I think they're good. I was even compared to my cousin's writing by a guy who didn't even know that Joyce is my cousin (after I told him he looked at me like I just told him I could fly).
Summer has begun and with summer comes warm naps in the yard with a glass of lemonade and gentle nights by a fire in the yard. I feel some good times coming on.

Learning to dance in the rain.

Boys are such a pain. Why can't they all just be well behaved? I do believe there are genuinely good guys out there though. One's that don't have any intention of breaking your heart and truly want what's best for you no matter what they have to do to get it for you. Only two boys have ever had the ability to break my heart. I don't pride myself on this fact. I've just kept my guard up and always bowed out of relationships when they got complicated.

The first was Andy. I met him the first day of 9th grade and I fell head over heels for him. He was a huge dork and by dork I mean the kid that wore the darth vader shirt with cargo pants and actually did his homework in class right when we got it and got very close to a perfect score on the SAT's. I remember the day when he told me he had asked Rachel out and she said yes. I was sincerely happy for him but deep down I hated her. We were really close friends and there she was dating the guy that I was madly in love with but would never admit to it. Every time I hear Teardrops on my guitar I think of him. The song fits me perfectly. I was the best friend who got to hear about the dates and tell him the perfect ways to invite her to dances. I even taught him how to tell her he loved her in french because she loved France and Europe. They are still together and it's been about five years now. He will always hold a special place in my heart as the guy who broke it. If he hadn't chosen Rachel I would be a completely different person today.

The second is Jon. He has the capability of breaking my heart but hasn't. He's my longest relationship at 7 months and counting and by far the most serious one. He may make some stupid choices and act like a five year old sometimes but that's a male trait that you just have to accept. He's already given me my birthday gifts since he won't be here for it. He gave me gone with the wind on blue ray because it's my favorite movie and a large picture of us at his graduation made of tons of tiny pictures of us. It's really nice. It's not easy for me to say the way I feel but I've learned that the best way to be is fearless. What life if there's no risk? My mom may not like the idea of me getting engaged right now but she's pushing me further and further away. It will happen. Maybe not before he leaves in January but it will happen. The fact that he figured out my ring size makes me a little nervous as to how soon. Plus he's been talking to my mom and sister a lot more recently and I'm not allowed to read those texts and he just had lunch with my dad. A little suspicious. He's been whispering with Nicole too so I'm not sure what's happening. We'll see what happens I'm not expecting anything soon though.

Right now we're going through a rough patch though. We'll get through it I have no doubt. The storm is bad but I like rain. Without rain there would be no flowers. I'm just waiting till the calendar says May. I see it as a test to see if we can really handle each other at our worst and fighting. So far so good. If he can handle my wrath then he'll manage my other moods quite well.

I just realized I have less than one month left of being a teenager! I'm about to be 20 years old. I'm starting to feel a little old.

Back to the basics

I love Christmas. Not for the superficial reasons but because of the feeling in the air. You can just feel everyone easing up for the end of the year. Walking around watching the snow fall, listening to the sweet lyrics of the joyful songs, and seeing the beautiful decorations just makes me feel like there has to be something else out there even if I doubted it before I know there is something now. Such beauty isn't possible just by chance.

I love to sit and watch snow fall especially in the country. It's so beautiful and simple not like being in a city where everything is bright and metal. I like the naturalness of it. I could live in the middle of nowhere and be perfectly fine as long as I have Jon. Christmas in the country...sounds good to me.I could do without the presents and just have a nice family dinner and I would be perfectly satisfied. I don't need anything else.

Holding tightly to your dreams of a future together When you will at last be able to say the word "forever."

Earlier as Jon was heading to Ft, Huachuca from Tucson I got a chance to talk to him for a little bit because they don't have the best service out there. I told him about the conversation I had with my mom at dinner. She asked me whether I loved him and after many distractions, topic changes, and prodding I said yes. I have known this for some time now. She was a little surprised and asked whether I actually say it to him or just write it in letters. I told her that I say it. My mother, being who she is, immediately asks if we plan on getting married anytime soon because we just had one wedding she wants to know if she needs to get ready for another one.

Of course he laughs and jokes about it and says my mom is crazy then he gets a little more serious. We start actually talking about getting married. he tells me that he does plan on marrying me he just wants to wait until he's done training and is in his job.

I'm in shock. I guess I just never thought that I would actually have this conversation with someone. Jon told me he will ask m father permission first and I made him promise not to do it when they are at the range. I don't think my dad will react badly but you never know.

I know most people will think we're stupid for thinking about this right now but when you know that the only way you're ever going to actually be with that person for longer than the holidays again is if they get stationed at the base near you (which the chances of that are slim to none) or you get married then it's not such a bad thing. It just feels surreal to think that he has planned out our future beyond just dating.

I'm happy he has though because I love him more than I could have ever expected I would have when I saw him back in 10th grade.

The good ole US Army

Yesterday I got to see Jon for the first time in 11 weeks. It was amazing. I got to see the bay where he sleeps and meet a lot of the other soldiers who he is in a platoon with. They are all really cool. Every time I was introduced to someone they were like, "Oh your the one in the photo? He talks about you all the time." It was really nice. I got to meet the girlfriends and fiancees and wives also. It was really weird to be on this end of the military now since I grew up in it. It's a totally different perspective.

Since Jon couldn't go off post we had to find things to do on post which involved eating at pizza hut and shopping at the PX. Then he got a call form his staff sergeant and we had to rush back to his bay so he could talk to his sergeants because apparently he still has dual citizenship with the Philippines even though I know I lost my dual citizenship with Germany when I turned 18. He didn't mark on his papers that he had it because he wasn't aware that he did and they were talking about giving him fraudulent enrollment discharge. In military speak they were going to kick him out for lying. It was bad. My dad is doing what he can about it but they're worried that if anything goes wrong we might have to call a congressman or even go to JAG. So not how I wanted to spend the day with him.

We did get to hang out at the bowling alley and eat dinner at the officer's club which none of them have ever done. Today he graduates ad he'll come home in two weeks for Christmas.

What my future will be like.

I've realized that I'm just not designed for school. I hate it. I know everyone says that but I honestly have no drive to have a career. Personally I just want to be a stay at home mom like my mother. If you know me then I know you're thinking"really?" It doesn't sound like me at all. I have no intention to finish school. I guess I'm just buying time. Soccer and softball are the only reason I've stayed in this long. Plus my mother. She would be devastated if I quit. She made the choice to marry my dad instead of finishing college and she doesn't want me to take that same path.

Why do we need college? Honestly I could be a gym teacher without a degree. Yeah a few teaching classes are good to have but what use is the rest of it? That's what your senior year of high school should be about. If you're going to be a doctor then yes you should be required to go to college but seriously college has just gotten out of hand.

Maybe I'm just being lazy. Maybe I'm just being stupid. Maybe I'm taking the easy way out. Either way I'm not going to end up graduating from college.

Life's lookin pretty good

21 days till Jon comes home. :)
28 days till Christmas.

37 days till Jon's gone again. :(

61 days till I'm 20 years old.

187 days till I'm 15 rows away from Kellie Pickler and Taylor Swift with my best friend.

I'm pretty content right now. All I need is some snow.

I <3 Christmas :)